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Still in love with my ex!

Mar 1st, 2009 by Dr. Elia | 0

delay:od

Dear Dr. Elia,

I have a problem with my ex-wife. I still love her with all my heart. I never wanted to get a divorce, but I had problems telling her the truth and she wanted to move on. We still are the best of friends and celebrate holidays, birthdays, etc together. And I believe she still cares for me, but is afraid to take a risk again.

Well my question is should I move on or should I still try my best to get her trust back and love. I have changed, I now never lie to her about anything and she has admitted the great change in me herself. I realized that lies no matter how small never helped and all I was doing was pushing her away. I have always loved her and still do with all my heart and soul. And I have told her this. You should know that all most every lie small or large was mainly amount finances/money. Her family was always better off and she grow up with money, and cam e from a family with out much money and didn’t want her to think I was a failure with the money in our life.

Any advice, reading or help of any kind would greatly be appreciated.

Thank you for help,

Missing My Only Love

Will


Dear Will,

Trust is the very foundation of any meaningful relationship, especially
marriage. It is the “rock” that can withstand and endure all the storms
of life. On the flip side, lies destroy trust and reduces the foundation
of a relationship to sand. When the storms come as they surely will, the
relationship crumbles to the sea…I feel your pain and see your regret
over the past lies that ended up costing you the most important
relationship of your life: your eternal marriage.

I am an optimist by nature and have seen many “miracles” transpire over
the last 20 years in working with couples. I have learned that with an
open mind and a willing heart, anything is possible. Clearly it sounds
like you would be ready and willing to do whatever it takes to regain
your ex-wife’s trust. The question lies with were is her heart? What if
any options do you have with her? Restoring the bonds of a true
friendship seems like a natural first step.

It looks like you enjoy each other’s company and spend quality time
celebrating holidays and birthdays together. Would it be premature to
ask her out on a date? Do you know her love languages? Do you have
children together? Perhaps you can share a little more information…it
would be helpful.

In the meantime, keep the faith and the candle burning. It would be
interesting to get her perspective as well. You might also want to read
a couple of articles that I’ve written on the www.mormontimes.com site
on marriage and finances. If you have any additional questions let me
know…I’d love to see a happy ending!

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.
303-523-6396
www.LDSCoaching.com

Is it My Fault or His?

Jan 25th, 2009 by Dr. Elia | 0

Dear Dr. Elia,

Years ago our bishop referred us to you and we had a handful of visits before we moved out of state. Life has certainly been an adventure since then but my marriage continues to be a source of great pain and confusion for me.

Do you think there are sometimes problems in a marriage that don’t really stem from the relationship but from one of the spouses personality disorders? Do you think a man who has had numerous secretive emotional and/or physical relationships outside his marriage, even after church disciplinary action, is reacting to “problems” in his marriage or problems in himself that are unacknowledged and unresolved? My spouse loves the idea of love, and the beginning intense period of a new relationship but lacks the ability to weather storms, cope with challenges, and generally stay committed through the ups and downs of family life. He continues to blame me for marital unhappiness, which to him means, his unhappiness. My happiness is never addressed. I feel like all the counseling in the world wouldn’t help us unless he finally acknowledges that the reasons he has violated marital vows are only about him. What do you think? There is a school of thought out there that if one is fulfilled in their relationship they won’t cheat. I say if you are the cheating kind there isn’t anything your spouse could do to make marriage more fulfilling for you.You have to change yourself.

MRS


Dear MRS,

You bring up some excellent points about marital relationships. In the
CD The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Surviving to Thriving, I talk
about some of the issues in your marriage. First of all, there are 4 red
flags or what would be considered as “withdrawals” from you marital
account.

Number one on the list is Selfishness and Pride. Every form of sinful,
destructive or addictive behavior has its basis in selfishness. Of
course, your happiness is never addressed! It takes humility or in other
words, an absence of pride for your husband to admit that the reasons
for any violation of his marital vows are about him.

Unfortunately, I have known far too many men who have strayed from their
marital vows, even though they were married to wonderful, loving and
faithful wives. So I tend to agree with you in that the responsibility
lies with the individual. I’ve also known plenty of men who are “just
surviving” in their relationships and yet CHOOSE not to be unfaithful.

Your husband sounds like he has some unresolved issues that may even
predate meeting you. Until those are brought to the surface,
acknowledged and worked through, he will continue to struggle…and in
essence so will you. The idea that he likes “falling in love” and seeks
it elsewhere is a sign of emotional immaturity. The inability to weather
storms, cope with challenges, and stay the course through the ups and
downs of his marriage, is further evidence that he stills needs to “grow
up” emotionally.

In case you were wondering, the other 3 red flags in a marriage are,
lack of forgiveness, criticisms and control or unrighteous dominion.
Obviously there’s more information as to the deposits one can make to
create a thriving marriage! I’d love to hear your feedback after you
listen to the cd. Let me know if you have any other questions.

God bless,

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.
303-523-6396
www.LDSCoaching.com

Dealing with my daughter…

Jan 22nd, 2009 by Dr. Elia | 0

Dear Dr. Elia,

I confronted my 53 year old daughter for interrupting me at a dinner I had for her and her family. She is a constant interrupter, she parrots me and answers the questions I address to others. When confronted it always becomes about me and that she did not interrupt. I feel that I do not want a relationship with someone who is always blaming me. I feel guilty and think I should be a good mom and be there weather I want to or not.

Louise


Dear Louise,

Given that your daughter is 53 years old, I would assume that you must be in your 70’s. You have lived a long life and endured many things, just by being part of this mortal existence. You have raised your family and it is time to “have joy in your posterity!” Having a sense of humor and while sharing your feelings should go a long way towards resolving this issue.

There’s no need for confrontation…Take her hands in yours, look her in the eyes and open up your heart. This is NOT a deal breaker for your relationship. Remember that “blessed are the peacemakers!’ If you come with the right spirit in your heart it should all work out!

God bless,

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.
303-523-6396
www.LDSCoaching.com