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Is my husband gay?

Sep 8th, 2008 by Dr. Gourgouris | 0
Dear Dr. Elia,

My husband has just confessed to me that he is gay. We have been married for over ten years, and we have three wonderful children. He can’t be gay!! He’s with me!! HELP!!!


Dear Trish,

This is a VERY complicated issue… Your question brings up a lot more questions to consider. First of all, did you have any indication in the past that he might be gay? Does he want to get a divorce? Would you still love him the same if he struggles with same sex attraction (SSA) but wants to stay together with you? Has he acted out with someone else or are these just feelings that have arisen?

Before I retired as a psychologist I had a lot of clients of both genders in my private practice, that struggled with SSA issues. Most of these clients were LDS and therefore had a unique challenge as a result of their spiritual value system. Are you LDS as well? If the answer is yes, there’s a support group called Evergreen (based in Utah) that helps not only those who struggle with SSA, but their spouses as well.

If you are in need of some good news, amidst your husband’s revelations, let me share the following with you. I have worked with and know many individuals who have successfully maintained marriages, even though they deal with these issues. It takes open and honest communication, patience, compassion and most of all love. It also takes a desire from both husband and wife to continue to work together. If your husband is interested in getting some help, there are lots of books and counselors with the expertise in dealing with SSA issues.

Good luck and let me know if you need any other assistance.

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.

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