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Rejection is the Trigger!

Feb 26th, 2009 by Dr. Elia | 0

Dear Dr. Elia,

One of my biggest problems is rationalizing my use of pornography and
the other problems that go along with it. I say to myself: “my wife
rejected me, or hurt me, so it is okay to do this to get revenge”.
Sometimes I rationalize due to her sins prior to marriage. She never had
intercourse with a person, but she engaged in other issues. We tried
working with a bishop, and he counseled me to forgive her. In some ways
I haven’t, and I use those feelings of anger to rationalize pornography
use. I tell myself: “she hurt me, so it is okay”.

My question is, can you recommend any reading or provide any suggestions
for dealing with rejection because this seems to be a huge trigger for me.



Dear Tyler,

You certainly have enough insight as to what triggers your
pornography habit. Usually I would refer people to an addiction recovery
book or the latest best-selling self-help book. In your situation
however, the only reading materials I would recommend are the
scriptures. You have been given sound advice and counsel from a bishop:
forgive your wife! Yet you have chosen not to follow it and continue to
indulge in this self-destructive behavior.

Perhaps it is you that needs to ask your wife for forgiveness. You are
the one that needs to make amends in your marriage. What behaviors your
wife engaged in before is ever met you are not really an issue.
Hopefully she took care of all that with her ecclesiastical leaders and
found forgiveness in the Savior. The betrayal within the marriage falls
on you. So unless she’s doing something to hurt and undermine your
marriage (which you don’t state in your question), the ball is in your

Start by meeting with your current bishop. He can certainly help keep
you accountable as you work towards complete forgiveness. Begin
attending the church addiction-recovery meetings in your area. If
additional help is required, seek to work with an expert in the field of
pornography addiction. If you are serious about overcoming it once and
for all, have the courage and take the necessary steps required.

Finally, I want you to understand that the ultimate rejection is not
coming from your wife. It’s is coming from you…the “natural man” is
rejecting the “spiritual man” within you!

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.

What about the spouse of an addict?

Feb 23rd, 2009 by Dr. Elia | 0

Dear Dr. Elia,

Brother Gourgouris,
I had the priviledge of hearing you speak at the Parker Stake Enrichment
and ever since I have wanted to ask you about one of my closest friends.
Her husband was excommunicated a few years ago and has worked very hard
to come back into full fellowship and even be rebaptized. He was
baptized in the fall, but his wife is still very hurt and very distant
and just can’t seem to let go of her anger. I have tried talking to her
about the atonement and taking full advantage of it, but I just don’t
know if there’s any way to help her gain a testimony of its power. Is
there anything that can be said that might help to heal her broken
heart? Thank you for your time and the beautiful spirit that you left in
our building. I still get up every morning now and think to myself,
“Good morning Lord!” It’s changed my outlook on each new day!!

Christine S

Dear Christine S,

Your timing is perfect! I just wrote an article addressing the issue
of what happens to the spouse of a an addict. It will at tomorrow Feb. 24th 2009. Let me know if you have
any additional thoughts after you read it.

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.

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