Ask Dr. Elia!

Dear Dr. Elia,

Signed: Overwhelmed

I have heard that adversity can come as a result of three different types of situations: sometimes it comes as a result of our poor choices, at other times the circumstances of life can simply cause problems or pain. Your situation falls into the third category, which happens when another person’s destructive choices bring about pain, suffering and loss to those around them. Unfortunately, your husband’s selfishness has caused the loss of your family as you’ve known it for 24 years. You imply that it’s been the last seven years since he started to “act out” outside of the marriage. Hopefully at least the first 17 years were good.

So what does the future hold for you and your children? Well as you know, ultimately no matter how devastating the circumstances have been, your future can only be determined by the choices you make today. Understand that your reaction to this tremendous life changing betrayal is absolutely normal. You are doing everything in your power and within your control to heal from the break up of your marriage and your family. You are already using many positive tools by having a support group, attending counseling, reading scriptures, taking time for heartfelt prayers, asking for blessings and making use of the Atonement. Maintaining your children’s love, respect and support are also crucial. And as you know, finding solace in the peacefulness of the Temple can bring you additional strength as you face the long road to recovery. You are doing many things right already!

I’d like to focus on one of your comments, that this has been a huge blow to your self-esteem. Try to remind yourself that his inappropriate actions of infidelity are a reflection of him and not of you. The inner and outer beauty that you possess as Heavenly Father’s daughter is NOT diminished by someone else’s sinful behaviors. I recognize the betrayal you must feel, but rest assured that you didn’t cause these things to happen. The real culprit is lust! There are many unhappily married couples, but most of them do not choose to sleep around and break their marital covenants. No one has forced him to be unfaithful; he chose to do it entirely on his own!

You also asked about your children and their healing prospects: my advice is that the best way to teach your children to move forward is by your own example. If they see their mom moving ahead by creating a new, happier and more optimistic life, they’ll have “permission” to do the same. If they see you forgiving their father, they will eventually do the same. I’m sure that they used to look up to their dad, but that trust and respect has now been shattered. So they must look up to you for guidance and direction. The most hopeful message you can give both them and yourself, is your desire to live a full life and be happy. This is a righteous desire and it will be granted to you in time.

Your heart, mind and soul are in the right place. Your priorities are in alignment with your spiritual beliefs. Treat this period in your life as if you were running a marathon. At times it will feel like the end of the race will never come, but surely it will. Endure with all the temporal and spiritual tools that you have available. What feels like just surviving right now will eventually become a loving and thriving life. You will have joy in your posterity. This too shall pass! You’re doing everything right. Be patient and faithful. Rely on the Spirit for comfort, guidance and protection. Hold onto hope, and may God bless you for your faithfulness!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

delay:od

Dear Dr. Elia,
My marriage of 20 years is in the process of dissolution.  I initiated it due to some very intimate abuse issues between my soon to be ex-husband and myself which I had repressed.  Counseling has been part of our marriage since the beginning and often ends when he isn’t able to deal with the depth of the emotions that surface.  Although he has apologize and refrained from the abuse, the ripple effect has caused me great pain and the lose of my self.  I know the importance of counseling and will be continuing on my own to work through those ripples.

I guess my question is along with the counseling, prayer, and scripture study, will I be able to find me and be able to learn to trust another intimate relationship again?  What other avenues would you suggest to get through the ripples?

Coleen

Dear Coleen,

I would be happy to answer all 3 of your questions! In terms of being able to find yourself after the dissolution of your marriage, I would say with great certainty that the answer is YES! So many women have gone down the same path as you, only to discover great strengths, hidden talents and a desire to fulfill their God-given potential. The key question is how?

You’re already incorporating prayers, scripture study and counseling to help you with your healing. You need to be commended for already doing these things consistently. The counseling should continue as needed, past the divorce, to help you with the trust issues that have arisen as a result of the intimacy abuse. There’s every reason to hope that if done properly, you might find yourself in a relationship again. Everyone is capable of healing from their past issues by applying Gospel principles in their lives. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to move forward into the unknown, but as we read in the scriptures, “…for with God all things are possible.” Mark 10:27.

When someone comes out of divorce there are usually a couple of ways to approach what lies ahead.  One is feeling like a failure (quite common) and beating yourself up.  The other is to look at it as an opportunity to create a new life.  This has exciting aspirations, hope for a better tomorrow and untapped possibilities!  A Life Coach can be such a resource for you.  This would be someone who would inspire, educate, listen, encourage and guide you to achieve your goals and fulfill your potential. Remember that your future will be determined by the choices you make today!

As you move forward in faith may you create the life you’ve always wanted!

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D
303-523-6396
www.LDSCoaching.com

Dear Dr. Elia,

My parents are on the brink of separation and divorce after raising 12 children and 36 years of marriage. I am the oldest child, the youngest is almost 16 and the next youngest is on a mission. It’s a tragedy and needless to say this is having a big effect on me. I’m trying to distance myself from everything and not let it bring me and my own family down.

I need some help communicating with my parents, my siblings, my husband and children, as well as help dealing with my own sadness, anger, and disappointment. If you could give me any advice, what would you say to me?

Carrie

Regardless of how old we are, the thought of our parents getting a divorce (especially after 36 years of marriage) can be overwhelming! Our whole sense of stability of what we have known to be true is shaken to its core. Being the oldest of 12 siblings brings you to a unique position in terms of responsibility. Even with your position in the family and the sense of responsibility that you must have carried all these years, try to be mindful that each one of your siblings will have their own reaction to your parents decision. Shock, surprise, anger, sadness, disappointment, denial, acceptance, and relief might be some of these VERY human emotions and reactions.

It will take time to process their decision and its ramifications to your own immediate family, as well as that of your siblings. The effect on the youngest who’s at home versus someone older that has their own children versus the one serving a mission presents multiple concerns. Do you tell the missionary sibling now, or do you wait until the mission is over? Does the 16 year old spend more time with mom or dad? Who ultimately makes such a decision? The courts, the divorcing parents, or the young man/woman?

The key ingredient to surviving this “tragedy” as you call it is the type of support you have from your family (including husband, kids, siblings and other extended family and friends.) It is always helpful to talk to someone who has successfully navigated the emotional ups and downs of their own parents’ divorce. Also counsel with any church leaders that you feel a certain comfort with. If it still overwhelms you to the point of having it affect your daily life, then perhaps seeking a counselor would be a good idea.

In the end, always remember that He is well aware of your family’s circumstances and He will always be there for you. Lastly, I have seen miraculous things happen with couples that have even filed for divorce and were ready to sign the final papers. Hearts have been healed, forgiveness extended and eternal families have been preserved. Never give up hope!

God bless you and your family,

Elia Gourgouris Ph.D
303-523-6396
www.LDSCoaching.com