Ask Dr. Elia!

Last month I had an opportunity to participate in a workshop at a multistake Single Adult conference in California. I was asked to present and discuss the do’s and don’ts of dating. Now it’s true that my single days ended two decades ago, but I coach several people who are single and are looking to find their eternal companions. The most important advice I can give is that a lot of heartache can be avoided if we keep our eternal perspective with us at all times. With that in mind, here are a few specific “do’s” and “don’ts.”

1. The first and most important aspect of dating actually has to do with remembering who we are: sons and daughters of our Father in heaven. Before we go out on the first date with someone, we must incorporate that knowledge into our thinking. How would our thoughts and behaviors be different if we approached our date as such? Would respect and kindness be our top priorities knowing that we’re sitting across from a beloved child of Heavenly Father?

2. What is the purpose of dating and what is the real motivation? Several things come to mind: for some it might be security, for others companionship or friendship. Sometimes the motivation is lust cleverly disguised as love. Hopefully and ultimately it is a desire to meet and fall in love and make a commitment to a life of growing both individually and together.

3. Defining expectations early on in the dating process will prove invaluable. Clearly defined and agreed upon expectations create an environment of trust and allow the relationship to unfold at a pace that works for both parties. Undefined expectations will ultimately collide, even unwillingly, and create frustration and hurt.

4. If for some reason the relationship seems like it’s not going to work out, go back to No. 1 and remember who you are and who you’ve been going out with. Far too often the one doing the breaking up simply disappears. This approach lacks maturity, kindness and courage. Communicate honestly and respectfully by saying something like, “I really appreciate the time we’ve shared together, but I think we need to move forward in different directions.” I have worked with so many clients who were left to wonder what they did wrong, if anything, because someone just cut them out of their lives without an explanation. If you wouldn’t want that to happen to you, make sure to never do it to someone else.

Finally I would like to discuss a couple of red flags when it comes to dating.

Be watchful and mindful of any signs someone is trying to control other people in their lives. If the person you’ve just started dating exhibits any signs of controlling areas that should remain yours, run for your life! By doing so, you will avoid untold misery and heartbreak sometimes for years to come. Refuse to allow anyone in any situation to practice unrighteous dominion.

Respect your body, yourself and you spirit and all will be well.

Also if it appears that the first few dates are “all about them” perhaps it would be wise to move on. Being across from someone who only talks about him/herself is not just annoying and rude but also a signs of things to come. Let them be in a relationship by themselves since it’s all about them!

Enjoy the process the best you can, learn from each and every relationship, laugh when you need to, and most of all remember your values and your eternal worth!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I’ve been divorced a little over a year now, after being married for 20 years. My friends keep telling me that it’s time to “get out there” and start dating again. I never thought I’d be in this position and I find it really hard to make myself available. I don’t want to get hurt again so I’m reluctant to date. On the other hand, I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. Any suggestions?

“Alone Again”

Dear Alone Again,

You bring up several good points about picking up the pieces after a divorce. I’m working with several clients who are in the same predicament. None of them expected to be single after so many years of marriage. The dating world has changed considerably in the last 20 years, especially with the proliferation of online dating services. The good news for you is the fact that you didn’t jump in to dating right after your divorce. There are many people who are still emotionally devastated from the divorce that start dating without first working out their issues over their divorce. The problem of getting into a “rebound relationship” is that without doing your homework, you may end up making the same mistake(s) again.

It’s very easy to make a hasty decision about the new relationship. It feels so much better than the relationship you had with your ex that it must be right. Even though sometimes it does work out, in my experience, it usually doesn’t and oftentimes leads to a second divorce shortly thereafter. It’s vitally important to work out whatever feelings/issues you have after the divorce, so you won’t carry any leftover “emotional baggage” to future relationships. When you do decide to date, make sure that the persons you’re dating have also done their homework. One way to know how much they still carry is if they continuously talk negatively about their former spouse and blame them for all their problems and their divorce. If there’s still a lot of bitterness and resentments towards their ex, that’s a sure sign of someone who has not forgiven and let go of the past. Stay away from such dating encounters.

If you feel that you’ve healed from the divorce and you don’t want to be alone the rest of your life, perhaps it’s time to take your first baby steps in the dating world. There are a few things worth remembering as you begin this unpredictable journey.

Trust who you are — you are a daughter/son of Heavenly Father and he loves you.

It’s is vitally important to treat yourself with love and kindness while dating. It will ensure that you’ll take care of yourself and not allow anyone to act disrespectfully towards you.

Believe that there is someone for you — Heavenly Father wants you to be happy.

Your positive attitude will play a crucial role in finding that “special” one!

Have integrity and honesty — no relationship can flourish with lies in between.

There’s no reason to hide your imperfections and pretend to be someone else. Either way, the truth eventually rises to the surface. Be real, be truthful and enjoy the process.

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically — by taking good care of yourself, you’re saying to the world that you matter.

You’ve invested time and energy to being the best you can be and therefore can expect the same from those you choose to date. Remember that you always have a choice of who you date.

Believe there are wonderful people out there — don’t let previous experiences impact your perceptions.

In other words, don’t allow cynicism to take over. The past does NOT equal the future. Your future is determined by the choices you make today. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Most people are good and want the same things you want: happiness, friendship, companionship and love.

By the way, you mentioned that you didn’t want to get hurt again. Although it’s entirely understandable why you’d feel this way, the only way to guarantee never getting hurt again is to never take a chance on love again. There’s always a risk we take when we put ourselves out there, but I believe it’s a risk worth taking. Life’s too short to live without love.

So get prepared for an exciting roller coaster experience that can lead to eternal happiness. Next week’s article will discuss the do’s and don’ts of dating for both men and women

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

In the past weeks, I have received several questions from parents about how to become more effective. So many parents (especially moms) feel overwhelmed by the daily demands.

Trying to raise children in today’s society is not an easy task. Our children are being pulled from all sides by a multitude of distractions, different moral values and just plain evil. They have so many demands to meet, and at times it’s difficult to know when to give in and when to say no.

The first thing to determine, of course, is which of those demands qualify as a need versus a want. As a parent, taking care of our children’s needs is a part of the job; fulfilling all their wants however, is actually hazardous to their (and our) overall health — physically, emotionally and spiritually.

As a simple analogy, imagine that parenting is like going bowling. If the kids are too small but still want to participate, we usually will ask the manager of the facility to put up the “bumpers,” otherwise the bowling ball will usually end up in the gutter. It takes time, effort, coordination, maturity and skill to be able to get the bowling ball down the middle most of the time. I want you to imagine that as parents, we put up the “bumpers” to protect our kids from falling into the gutters of life. Of course we would like our kids to “bowl” straight down the middle in all of their choices and keep getting strikes. But such an outcome is highly unrealistic.

Children, whether they are 5 or 17, will usually strive to go down the middle, but invariably their lives will go off-center. It’s meant to be that way, as long as they can bounce off the boundaries we set up for them (aka the bumpers). By the time they get to the end of the alley, they might bounce back and forth several times before they hit the pins. Setting clear and firm boundaries actually provides safety for them, even if they don’t like it or understand why. In the end, we want our children to be successful and hit as many pins as possible — even a few strikes now and then.

Since we’re all children of God, in some ways the same analogy applies to us. God has set up certain “bumpers” or “boundaries,” such as the commandments. If we choose to obey them, then our lives will be blessed. If we choose to go off and ignore those lovingly set bumpers, then we’ll end up in the gutter and get a really low life-score! We’re all in this together, so whether we’re talking about bowling, parenting or our own lives, boundaries are there for our safety and protection. Within them we can thrive, without them we’ll ultimately pay a heavy price.

Just like in bowling, eventually as parents we must take down the bumpers and allow our children to exercise their agency. If they have been taught well and allowed to safely bounce against the boundaries, they will be better prepared for life.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Memorial Day weekend celebrations conjure up images of family picnics, camping and just being together. In a lot of places it marks the end of the school year and the beginning of summer activities. Everything around us is in full bloom and there’s a lot of excitement in the air. Many of these wonderful events would not be taking place had it not been for the sacrifices of the men and women who have served and sometimes died protecting our way of life.

In our family, my late father served with the Air Force of the NATO forces in the Korean War. Being one of the few who spoke English fluently at the time he was assigned to be an interpreter between the U.S. Air Force general and the NATO general. I remember listening with excitement as he told us stories from the war. He absolutely loved his experience and the camaraderie that existed amongst his peers.

My father-in-law, who passed away last year on Memorial Day weekend, served as a member of the military police in the U.S. Army. He served his new country with tremendous pride and was as patriotic as anyone I’ve ever met! Even though his service was during a time of peace, he always spoke about his time in the Army with reverence and respect. He was actually buried wearing the same military outfit he had worn 50 years earlier!

Our cousin Chuck served in the Vietnam War as a helicopter pilot for the U.S. Army. He flew CH-47 Chinooks as his mission was movement of troops and resupply. He served from 1968-69 and has often called those years as some of the best in his life.

What I find fascinating about all three of these men is their unquestioned patriotism and pride in being of service. Over the years, all of them have expressed to me that they would go back and do it again if given the opportunity. Since I’ve never served in the military, I didn’t fully grasp what they were feeling until a couple of years ago, when I had the opportunity to work with some of our finest soldiers.

I was introduced to Maj. Gen. Robert Worley of the U.S. Air Force and was asked to do some leadership training for him and his staff. It took place at the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs and it was one of the highlights of my career. It was the first time that I got to interact up close with members of our military. His staff consisted of 30 colonels and lieutenant colonels. Even though it was a somewhat informal setting, I will never forget the respect everyone paid to Gen. Worley. Every time he was addressed it was “Yes, sir!”

One of the most awesome experiences took place right at the start of the two-day training, when he asked the Air Force chaplain, a colonel himself, to pray over our meeting! I felt like I was in church because the Spirit was so strong.

This training opened the doors for further training for the U.S. Space Command and my partner and I had the opportunity to travel throughout the U.S. We visited Air Force bases from California to Florida and everywhere we went, we felt such great respect, love and honor to be amongst some of the very best our country has to offer. I know our country is in good hands because it is being served by men and women who are committed to protecting us, even paying the ultimate sacrifice if need be.

For so many years, Memorial Day weekend was a fun filled family affair, but something has changed recently in my heart. The gratitude I feel for all those who have passed away and those who currently serve all over the world is immense.

May our troops be protected from harms way and may we become more consciously aware of their enormous sacrifices on our behalf. We enjoy living in this great land called America because of those who have gone before us and served with such dedication and diligence.

May God bless our troops and keep them safe, today and always!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,
I love reading your column on Mormon Times, and appreciate how you’ve addressed the issue of pornography. I had a pornography addiction from my late teens, off and on, through almost 17 years of marriage. My wife never knew until four-and-a-half years ago, when I finally told her — I had overcome the addiction about three years earlier, with no relapse (and now, almost eight years later I’m still free, with no sense of weakness or teetering but still wary and vigilant).

Needless to say, it was devastating. She sunk into deep depression, went through anger, rage, and such sadness and hurt that it was almost unbearable, for both of us. It strained our marriage, though neither of us ever seriously considered separating.

Through my addiction, I had self-deceived to the point where I had never confessed to an ecclesiastical leader. I thought I could beat this myself and confess to the Lord. I now realize how foolish that was. So when I confessed to my wife, she had me meet with our bishop where I did confess, and finally at that point, was able to complete the repentance process. The loss of my recommend for a time was painful, but necessary to fulfill the process, and now, to make the long story short, my dear wife is finally mostly healed for the past year, and she expresses trust in me again and the most love and appreciation that she’s ever expressed in our marriage.

I too am reborn in the love that I am able to share with her, and though she never in a million years would have said this would happen, she even refers to this terrible trial in our lives as something that she’d do over again (she says she’d marry me again, even knowing all of this), for the wonderful growth it has resulted in for both of us

I say all of that as a preface to a question that’s been bothering me for some time. When my bishop heard my confession, he was visibly shaken and about the first thing he said pierced me to the core — he said, “there are so many people who look up to you…” I was stung with how I had deceived them by my longstanding actions, although I had struggled to overcome it and indeed had gone for months, and even years at a time, at times, without falling. Yet my overall addiction was not cured.

My question to you is this: Am I still deceiving those around me, the vast majority of whom do not know about my past addiction, who currently look up to me as an example? I honestly try to do my best in my family and church callings, and have been so greatly blessed ever since overcoming this…I feel the Spirit on a regular basis, and serve regularly in the temple…am currently holding a prominent calling in my ward. And I do not feel any inclination toward ever relapsing, while still remaining vigilant. But I know I’m looked up to, and I don’t know if that’s even fair…if they knew my past, would they hold me in such esteem?

Or perhaps would it help them to know what I’ve gone through, would it be a kind of strength, and should I share the lessons I’ve learned in public (four years ago, I never would have dreamed of disclosing publicly my past addiction, but now, if it would be the “right” thing to do, I’d seriously consider it)?

I feel a desire to share this with close friends, so as not to feel like I’m “hiding” something from them, like otherwise I’m being seen falsely by them. Do you think it would be unwise to disclose something like this? I’ve read counsel by some of the general authorities that we should not disclose personal sins to our children, for example, as it may cause negative influence on them. I don’t know how disclosing my past would have an effect on others…but I’m feeling more and more like I’m not being totally honest with others unless I do. I feel conflicted, and would appreciate your counsel.

Thank you,
A troubled “brother”

***********************

Dear troubled brother,
I can’t even begin to express how impressed I am with your honesty, humility and willingness to choose the right. Clearly the healing process of overcoming your addiction has paid great dividends. When making a decision about disclosing our “personal sins” to others, there’s one main question that needs to be answered. Would this disclosure cause more pain, disappointment, and have a negative impact on others as compared to the potential help it might offer?

President Brigham Young took the following approach towards members disclosing sins to others: “Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take the person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it.” (Discourses of Brigham Young, 1954, 158).

Clearly you have confessed this to your ecclesiastical leader and your spouse. You have gone through the repentance process and made amends by living a life of complete sobriety. Your relationship with your dear wife is better than ever before. I wonder however, if you have completely forgiven yourself? The only reason why I say that, is because after all these years your mind, heart and soul should be completely at peace — the kind of peace that comes from self-forgiveness.

Obviously, I’m leaning towards putting this behind you, and continuing to serve the Lord, your family and all those around you. There will be many opportunities to bless other people’s lives without disclosing your past mistakes. You are not being a hypocrite plain and simple. Everyone has a past, except for the Savior. Enjoy the blessings of sobriety, the invaluable lessons and growth you have achieved, and the new closeness you have with your wife. Help those in need around you and continue to be a good example.

You’re not required to do anything more. Be at peace with yourself and enjoy the blessing of the Atonement — it’s not just for everyone else, it’s for you too!

God bless,
Dr. Elia

********************

Dear Dr. Elia,
Your kind, well-conceived observations and counsel in your column in today’s Mormon Times touched me, and I feel the truth of your words. I guess it takes courage and trust to hand absolutely everything to the Savior, even guilt. I will pray for the strength and confidence to do so, and believe the course you describe is the right one.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question. I sincerely hope that the many others who struggle with pornography may find hope or help in your words. Thanks again,

 A brother in the gospel who hopes soon to be troubled no more

********************

Dear Brother,
 
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the very best in life, you certainly deserve it!
 
Your brother in the Gospel,
 
Elia

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Last week’s article covered some of the main purposes of having a government.

Today, I’d like to discuss the necessity of limits on a centralized government. Individuals who are born free and want to remain that way throughout their lifetime usually don’t like having limits imposed upon them. It’s a feeling of wanting to do their own thing without any outside interference.

However, when doing one’s “own thing” begins to interfere with the lives of others, then limits to one’s freedom are not only recommended but required. A perfect example would be when an individual says, “I like playing with fire.” It’s all good as long as the fire doesn’t consume the neighbor’s house.

The great Greek philosopher Aristotle once said, “Everything in moderation.” Just like we all need limits in our lives to keep us safe, so does the government. If being out of control is not OK for any one of us, neither is it OK having a government that’s out of control. I have been seeing some very ominous signs for several years now in regards to how our country is being run.

Let me be clear and state that I am not an expert in economics. However, in my simple thinking, if I continued to spend more money that I brought in for an extended period of time, that would cause a lot of stress. If I started charging everything on credit cards and only made the minimum payment every month, I’d be living on the edge of financial collapse. Finally, if I reached the point of not being able to make the minimum payments on each credit card, would I go out and get more credit cards, or would I have to tighten the belt and learn to live with a lot less, until I could pay off my creditors?

This may sound like a very simplistic analogy, but I am deeply concerned about the state of affairs in this great land of ours. A lot of this was inherited from the previous administration’s mistakes, but spending trillions of dollars that we’re borrowing to turn things around makes me extremely nervous. I don’t see how we’ll be able to pay it off. What I do see is the burden being put upon my kids and their kids. This amount of debt is debilitating to any system.

We are already seeing other Western countries on the verge of bankruptcy. I realize the United States still has the largest economy, but is the path we’re taking the right one? Will the revenue needed to start reducing our deficit come from an economy on the mend? Will this be sufficient, or will we be on the receiving end of another tax increase?

If you have been following my articles, you surely know that I’m not a fanatic on the fringe of any political spectrum. I do serve my community and consider it a great privilege and honor. I believe that states and local municipalities have a better understanding of what’s best for them than those serving in Washington. The less interference the better!

There’s a reason why members of Congress have the lowest degree of trust and/or respect from their constituents. Many Americans are angry and feel betrayed by their elected officials. Is anyone in Washington listening? Business as usual cannot continue unabated. Midterm elections are coming up, but just having one party replace another one is not the answer. Both parties have been guilty of corruption, scandals, making poor decisions like going to war or bailing out institutions by the trillions who caused the financial hardships to begin with.

The real solution is to have ordinary citizens stand up and serve their country. Put away the political bickering and realize that we’re Americans first. No political party is above its citizens or the Constitution. If I had one wish, it would be the creation of a grassroots movement of American citizens that put America first, second and third. Enough of special interest groups influencing our elected politicians. The only special interest is the one which says, “what’s in the best interest of our country and its people?”

Even though I’m an optimist by nature and try not to give in to any gloom and doom scenario, I’m deeply concerned about our future. Let us unite in word and deed. This is a blessed land and we have much to be proud of. Let us not forget the sacrifices of those who came before us and build this great nation.

It is our stewardship and responsibility to pass this on to the next generation.

God bless America.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

There is so much rhetoric going on in our country about what the real purpose of government is. Since this topic is so important and vital to our overall way of life, I will limit my comments for this article on what I think “we the people” should expect of our government.

Next week, I’ll be discussing the limits that must exist on the government so that our nation can get back to thriving. My personal involvement has been on the local level, as I’m serving my second term in our town’s city council. Working as an elected official brings with it a certain amount of responsibility toward not only those who voted for you, but the entire population you represent. At the local level, that might mean a few thousand individuals, but at the state and federal level it can range up to the millions.

When we take the oath of office, we promise to uphold the Constitution of this great land and put the interests of the people above all else. So how come the popularity of elected officials is at an all-time low? What has caused such a great divide between those who’ve been elected and the constituents whose interests they’re supposed to represent? Pure and simple, the answer is a complete breakdown in trust. As in any relationship, if the trust is undermined, the relationship will suffer.

There are several areas where the government should take a primary role: First and foremost is to maintain the national security of our country. The issue of security doesn’t just mean to secure our borders but to protect us from those who would choose to do us harm, even those within our borders. Since the tragedy of 9/11, we have been very fortunate that major attacks on American soil have been averted. Good intelligence, vigilance and a certain amount of luck have been key to maintaining our national security thus far.

Another role is to build, upgrade and maintain at acceptable levels the infrastructure of our country: keeping our roads, highways, airways, bridges and other transportation corridors open and safe. People and businesses that rely on transportation need and expect to know that they can get to their destinations safely and quickly if necessary.

A third role where the government has a responsibility to its citizens is in ensuring that the laws under our Constitution are upheld, protected and enforced. Otherwise, our very freedoms can be violated from those who act counter to these laws.

Now, I’m not an expert in economic theories, but I’d like to add that the government has the responsibility to maintain a fiscal policy of balancing its budget, similar to what we would expect in our own households. Living beyond its means with trillions of dollars in debt is a disservice to us, our kids and, I’m afraid, our grandkids. We are seeing some very ominous signs across the world, to what happens, when governments live beyond their means for an extended period of time. Greece, my country of origin, is on the brink of bankruptcy and in desperate need of financial assistance. Other western countries, such as Ireland, Italy, Portugal and even Spain face a similar future. My fear is that the U.S. is headed down a dangerous path. The ever increasing accumulation of debt does not bode well for our future.

Providing opportunities for education and training might also fall under the government auspices. We are truly blessed to have so many universities and colleges for us to gain an education. That was one of the primary reasons why my parents choose to move to the U.S. I’m very grateful to them for wanting their kids to have an opportunity to get the best education in the world.

And lastly, the government in collaboration with businesses (and average citizens) must also do its part protect our environment in terms of the air we breathe and the water we drink. Also maintaining our natural parks so that future generations can experience the beauty of this great land.

Of course, there’s a multitude of other areas (taxes, regulation etc) where government can play an important role as long as it’s for the benefit of its citizens. Now having said that, I also firmly believe that there are and should be, limits to how much involvement any government needs to have in our lives. Next week, I’ll discuss some of the boundaries that any democratically elected government needs to have in order to thrive and be respected by the people it’s supposed to be serving.

Until then, let us keep doing our best to serve one another.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

I recently received the following question:

Dear Loving Grandparents,

First of all let me say I have the greatest admiration for what you’re already doing — nobody plans on raising more kids after they’ve already raised their own. They plan on enjoying their golden years, traveling, visiting their grandkids and finding joy in their posterity. The fact that you willingly stepped forward to raise another generation of kids says so much about your loving nature. Your sacrifice for your grandchildren is above and beyond the call of duty. There are many blessings waiting for you in heaven!

I agree and respect your boundaries of not wanting to now raise a potential third generation of kids. You are not responsible for another’s irresponsible behaviors and their ultimate consequences. I can empathize with your granddaughter’s feelings of wanting to keep the baby. Even at 15 the maternal feeling can be quite strong. The idea of a 15-year-old raising a child is not realistic; as much as she says she’ll raise the baby, the truth is, in the end, it will be you and your husband that will carry the heavy load.

You don’t say how far along she is, but it might be time to begin the “educational process.” I would highly recommend going to www.LDSFamilyservices.org and then clicking on Birth Parents and then on “What are my options?” There you will find great information on potential options. Read it together with your granddaughter and make an appointment to go and visit your local LDS Family Services. From my perspective of course, adoption seems to be the best option. There are lots of wonderful families that would treasure the opportunity to be the parents to this little angel about to be born.

This can be an emotionally overwhelming time for her, so practice patience, kindness and lots of love. At the same time, you need to be proactive with getting the right information to her. I know the people at LDS Family Services are wonderful and will help her make the right decision for her and for the baby.

The longer she waits to make a decision, the tougher it will be for her. Right now she needs to concentrate on staying physically healthy for her baby — meaning no drinking, smoking or putting other harmful substances in her body. Her emotional well-being is equally as important. When you have an unplanned pregnancy, you often feel out of control. It is vitally important that she establishes a sound support system, which Family Services can help provide.

I’ve known many young women in her predicament who have grown up and matured from this experience. Eventually they have fallen in love, gotten married and had a family of their own. I also hope that the time will come when she’ll get pregnant again under the right circumstances.

May the Lord will bless you and your granddaughter during this difficult process.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

As I write about medical marijuana use, I realize it is a highly controversial topic in our country. In Greece, I had never heard of drugs, but I found out about them quickly when we moved to California in my seventh grade year.

It appeared that many of the boys I became friends with would occasionally smoke pot, mostly on the weekends. As we got older and graduated to high school, their frequency increased, in some cases to daily use. These were actually really good kids who had developed a bad habit. At the time I was not Mormon, nor did I know anything about the Word of Wisdom, but I was a pretty good athlete and it turned out to be my saving grace.

Even though I was offered pot already by middle school, I managed to make it all the way through high school and become the only guy in my group of friends that didn’t smoke it. It made no sense to me to swim 10,000 yards a day, 6 days a week and compete at the national level, then pollute my lungs with this stuff.

By the time I turned 16, I had become the de facto “designated driver” for all my friends. After every weekend party, I would drive them all home and protect them from themselves. I loved my friends and had fun with them, but I also realized that getting high or drunk was not a requirement for having fun. They respected my choice, and I respected theirs, and nobody made any judgments.

As a background to this topic, my first official job in the mental health field came as a graduate student when I started teaching Middle School students about drug abuse through a program called Project Prevent. Eventually I became an expert in drug, alcohol and other addictions and spent more than 20 years helping people overcome destructive drug habits.

Obviously my own perspective on the medical uses of marijuana is filtered through my life experiences, but let’s see what the proponents of medical use of marijuana say.

Some of the ailments they propose that can be treated by smoking pot include the following: AIDS,  anorexia, arthritis, cancer, depression, glaucoma, migraines, chronic pain, insomnia and inflammation. This is only a partial list. Now is there anyone who does not have at least one of these symptoms? If I think for myself, I could qualify in at least 3 of these categories: an occasional migraine, a little back pain and some sleepless nights would make me a perfect candidate.

I recently spoke to an 18-year-old high school senior, the son of a good friend, who’s been smoking pot for several years now. I asked him if he’s ever tried medically dispensed pot and he answered in the affirmative. I then asked if he had gotten a prescription and he said no, but that a high school friend of his had. I then inquired if it was different than the street pot he was used to smoking and he excitedly said “Yes, it’s much better, because it’s purer and is not laced with anything!”

I was curious as to why his friend would be giving pot to him and others, if he had an authorized medical reason for taking it in the first place. His answer astonished me! He said, “My friend bought it at the dispensary and then came to school and started selling it to us for a profit!!!” Now this may be an isolated incident (although I doubt it), and perhaps I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but doesn’t it sound like this “clinic” is functioning more and more as the supplier and the kid that bought from them like the drug dealer?

I assume this was not the intent of the movement, but it certainly raises a few eyebrows.

So, who stands to gain from this? Clearly cash-strapped cities and states are getting a financial windfall through taxes as are the entrepreneurs who are starting these businesses. I recently interviewed a gentleman who has plans to open several of these dispensaries. In his estimation, he will be able to retire in five years, just from the income that will be derived from running three stores.

Of course the users themselves would also benefit … or would they? I believe that this is the key question: Is there a way to treat the majority of these symptoms and ailments without smoking pot? Time will tell how this social experiment will turn out, but as for me and my house, a sober living is clearly the right choice — regardless of how acceptable this might or might not become in our society.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Have you ever noticed how everything in our society seems to be running at warp speed? Everything that has the word “faster” seems to also imply better. Is that really true?

Let’s take a look. We have instant food, the kind that microwaves produce. We have instant messaging, texting and instant access to any type of information we might need through amazing search engines. We get inundated with commercials saying we can get “instant credit” or “buy now, but don’t pay for a year,” “quick ways to lose weight” and “get in shape with only seven minutes a day of exercising,” etc.

So if we have access to so many time-saving shortcuts, how come we still feel like we don’t have enough time to get things done? Why are we so constantly stressed out as a society? Is faster always better and does it bring us more happiness?

The world of “instantly” certainly has made certain aspects of our lives more convenient. I remember when I had to write a report in school, I’d have to catch a ride to the library and do a whole bunch of research just to find out which books I had to check out. Then I had to get back home and spend countless hours going over these books in order to get the specific information needed in order to write my report. A lot of times I went to bed way past midnight, tired and stressed. Today, I see my kids google everything under the sun in an instant. How envious I am that they seem to have it so easy.

On the other hand, I see the things that take a while to unfold or develop as having a more meaningful impact. Over spring break, we had an opportunity to spend some time in Hawaii. Every day we’d gather together and watch the sun going down. There was no remote control or click of a button that could make the sun go down faster, and I’m so glad for that. The peace, serenity and beauty that unfolded each day was magical. So many people stopped everything they were doing just to watch an event that has taken place every day since the creation of time.
 
Nature doesn’t answer to our impatient demands that she should hurry along. Each day will last 24 hours. The sun will rise and fall at its established time, regardless of our schedules. Even as we speak, the volcano in Iceland continues to spew ash across the skies of Europe and thereby grounding tens of thousands of flights. At an estimated $200 million loss each day, the airlines are in a panic mode. But guess what? The volcano will continue to do its thing, oblivious to the rest of humanity.

The most important and meaningful things in our lives usually take time to develop, whether it’s our testimonies, our loving relationships or even progress in our imperfections. Can we find inner peace and accept that some things will take their sweet time to unfold? I hope we can all slow down our lives enough to fully embrace the process that makes us who we are.

It’s been said that patience is a virtue, but nobody has time for it. Let’s make a personal commitment to live a little more in the present and enjoy each moment as it unfolds.

The unending beauty in nature is waiting for us to notice.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.