Ask Dr. Elia!

Last week we discussed the four different types of parenting: low standards/low love, low standards/high love, high standards/low love and finally high standards/high love.

When it comes to parenting, having high standards enforced with lots of love seems to yield the best results! This is by no means the easiest way to parent … that honor belongs to the low standards high love group.

Trying to raise children in today’s world can be a difficult task when oftentimes right is perceived as wrong, and wrong is highly encouraged as fun! Truth (with a capital T) has been replaced with a certain correctness which continues to undermine the very pillars of our society; therefore as we strive to raise the next generation, much work needs to be done. So today I’d like to share some specific ways we can foster an environment where standards are maintained with an abundance of love.

We are taught that we must live in the world but not be of the world. As our children try and make sense of an increasingly complicated, distracting and confusing world, we as parents must maintain an even-keel approach. Imagine our children going down a fast moving river. Sure it’s exciting for them, but it’s also filled with unexpected pitfalls. We must captain the boat with patience, while allowing them to get “wet.” Getting wet or even drenched might be the most valuable experience for them, and it might eventually keep them from drowning. It’s important for us not to panic at the first signs of trouble, because over correcting just might have the same disastrous results we seek to avoid.

Undoubtedly our children will make mistakes, just like we as parents often do. How we handle their own human imperfections is a critical factor to their future success and our own relationship with them.

Recently I was working with a young man who came to my office discouraged and disappointed in himself for something he had done. His first words to me were, “I made a big mistake.” My response to him was that it would actually be a mistake only if he learns nothing from it and continues to commit similar errors of judgment. We proceeded to push the “replay” button and followed his faulty thinking that had led to this behavior.

Then, rather than pointing out the obvious and lecturing him, (which as parents we often do) I pressed the “play” button. I asked him what would he do differently the next time he’s in a similar situation. By so doing so, it allowed him to take ownership of his experience and most importantly take ownership of his solution. It’s vital that our children are given an opportunity to solve their own problems. We can guide, support and encourage them in this endeavor; however, if we always offer the solution they will be ill-prepared to face the real world when they leave the nest.

As much as our children will challenge our standards from time to time, especially during the teenage years, our response needs to be “I love you, but the answer is still no.” The standards don’t come down … our children must step up. That’s real love, but it makes parenting harder at the time.

Easy parenting means we cave in to the pressure — often because we are tired, or because our children read us well, and do their best to make us feel guilty. When boundaries are lovingly but firmly established, clearly communicated and maintained, everyone comes out a winner. Years from know when they leave the safety of our homes and start families of their own, they will embrace much of what they once objected. As grandparents we will have joy in our posterity partly due to the love we showed by keeping our standards high while raising these magnificent children of ours!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.