4 types of parenting
Last summer while teaching at BYU-Idaho’s Education Week, I had an opportunity to attend a devotional by President Kim B. Clark. His comments on Zion and the Rising Generation have had a profound impact in my life and I’m sure in the lives of the others who attended.
In his talk, he described the relationship of two factors: love and standards, and their impact on families. The parameters were low/high love and low/high standards. Having worked with many families, I found this information fascinating. Let’s take a closer look at these four different types of families.
The first one consists of low love and low standards. What is the outcome for children being raised in such an environment? Typically neglect, drug and alcohol abuse, immorality and much more. Every year I have an opportunity to speak in front of and train foster parents. Recently when I presented the four types of families to them, ALL of them said that the kids brought into their homes come from such an environment.
The drop-out rate in high school for these kids is astounding. With lack of education and the opportunities it brings, many of these kids eventually turn to crime and other destructive behaviors. As a side note, I have rarely seen such an LDS family.
The second type of family is one where there’s lots of love but low standards. There are many kids who come from loving homes but whose parents allow them to do whatever they want. One might argue that this approach is not really all that loving.
I call this group “easy parenting.” You just love the kids but offer no discipline, boundaries, limits and standards by which the kids need to abide by. It’s so easy to be a parent! Basically the parents act like friends, because they want to be liked. But hey, the parents are “cool” since they’ll drink beer with their kids, smoke an occasional joint together and may even look at a Playboy magazine with their son. This is an actual response from someone I once worked with: “It’s no big deal, after all my dad did the same thing with me and look how I turned out!”
In the end, the kids end up being spoiled, entitled and ill-prepared to face the real world once they get out of high school. Not having worked for anything nor developed any sort of discipline, they get overwhelmed by the demands of real life. Now how loving is it for a parent to do that to their child?
The third type of a family maintains high standards but does so with low love. Sadly, within the bounds of LDS families, I have found that this category has been more common than the first two combined. The good news about these families is the fact that high standards are espoused and maintained. The children grow up knowing right from wrong and more often than not follow the rules.
The question is, for how long? When someone chooses the right out of fear, manipulation or intimidation, the long-term success is in jeopardy. I know so many adults who grew up in homes where they felt controlled and where unrighteous dominion was the way of life. As soon as they left the house or came home from serving a mission, they went off the deep end. As a reaction to their upbringing, they foolishly decided no one was going to tell them what to do anymore. Unfortunately, they chose to exhibit their newfound independence by practicing self-defeating and often self-destructive behaviors.
The last category is where we all hopefully strive to be as families: while showing great love to our kids, we still maintain high standards. Our children are expected to come to church with us every Sunday; attend all their meetings, seminary and Young Men/Young Women; listen to good music; participate in wholesome activities; obey the Word of Wisdom; be chaste until marriage; become Eagle Scouts; serve missions and so on.
It is quite a list for our children, but when it is lovingly supported and encouraged by us parents, the probability of success grows exponentially.
Even though this is the ideal way to raise a family, it is often elusive. Why? Because it takes a lot of hard work, patience, perseverance, setting and keeping boundaries, consequences and accountability.
Next week I will talk about how we can became such great families in greater detail. Until then, keep the faith and have a great week!
Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.
