Ask Dr. Elia!

Dear Dr. Elia,

I’ve read several of your articles on internet addiction, and it sounds like you’ve also worked with spouses of addicts. I’m sure I’m not alone in asking you this, but how can I help my husband who struggles with a pornography addiction? I’ve talked to a lot of women who are in a similar position, but we often disagree as to what’s the best approach. I know it’s not my problem, but it does affect my (and my children’s) lives in many ways. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

“Nancy”

Over the past 20 years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many Internet addicts and their spouses. Today’s article will address three different, but common, ways that spouses deal with their husbands’ Internet addiction. A word of caution: these are very different approaches to the same issue, and I ask that you not pass judgment on any of them. If we have not walked in their shoes, it may be difficult to understand why certain wives react the way they do, but rest assured that their road is difficult, and there are no easy answers.

The first common reaction is one of utter shock and disbelief, with feelings of betrayal that are often accompanied by tremendous anger toward the husband. Initially, this may seem like a harsh or detrimental approach (and at times it can be), but it’s important to note that the anger expressed is a direct byproduct of deep hurt. For years, these wives have believed that they had a good marriage, and even if things were not exactly perfect, they’d never imagined that pornography would invade their home and/or marriage. Feelings of inadequacy soon follow. I cannot count the number of times when women have shared with me how inferior they feel to the “women images” their husbands are looking at. The phrase, “I can’t compare with them …” is often accompanied by tears of sorrow and helplessness.

Let me emphasize that these feelings and reactions are perfectly normal. The problem arises when the women remain emotionally stuck there. In other words, their anger turns into resentment and creates an even bigger wedge in the relationship. In this case, if the husband wants to overcome his addiction, he will have to do it without the support of his spouse. Unfortunately, even bringing up that he might be tempted stirs up all these negative feelings and creates more hurt. Oftentimes, the wife becomes a “detective” within the marriage, going through e-mails, cell phone numbers, her husband’s clothes … looking for clues of his continuing addiction. This type of co-dependency is hurtful both to her and her addicted husband. I would highly recommend for these wives to get some professional help for themselves to learn how to best take care of themselves as their husbands try to overcome this terrible addiction, and to work through all these negative — but legitimate — feelings. The goal is for them is to ultimately move beyond the anger and closer to forgiveness. It’s definitely not easy, but in the end it will be worth it for both parties.

The second group reacts to the news differently. After the initial shock subsides, they tell their husbands that this behavior will not be tolerated. Often the statement that follows is, “Get the help you need and get this problem fixed once and for all! This is your problem, and you have to fix it. If you need to go to groups or counseling or meet with the bishop, I’ll support you, but I don’t want to know anything about it.” It’s the approach of “leave me out of it,” but the support exists in a more passive way. Often these wives have a healthier view of themselves and don’t get caught up in the comparisons. They place their focus on their children and their callings and sort of leave their husbands to do the recovery work. They don’t ask a lot of questions, but they support them through prayers and by taking care of things on the home front. Discussions about the addiction and or progress are few and far between.

For certain couples, this approach works. The husband feels like he has the room in the marriage to try and work on his addiction while not feeling pressured by his spouse. He develops a support system that may not include her, but healing and complete recovery is still possible. It also works for her as she goes on with her life with the self-assurance necessary to stand by her man, as he gets the help he needs.

The third approach is the least used, and probably the healthiest of the three. In this scenario the wife — although disappointed and usually hurt at first — quickly recognizes the nature of the problem. She approaches her husband with compassion, love and understanding. She certainly does not take it personally but instead offers her unconditional support, which goes beyond the more passive approach of the second group. It includes being available to talk, listen, encourage and love her husband through the recovery process. It may also include an active participation in a women’s support group where she takes an active role in helping other wives in similar situations.

In my experience, this is the best way for a couple to jointly battle this horrible addiction. Spouses who take this approach seem to have a better view of themselves in terms of their self-worth. They have the sure knowledge of their eternal worth and therefore can offer an empathetic listening ear, an open mind and a loving heart to their eternal companion as he pursues complete recovery.

Not everyone has to do it this way of course, as the second approach clearly has worked for many couples as well. If you know of a mother, daughter or sister who may benefit from this article, please pass it along. If you need further information please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I’ve read several of your articles on internet addiction, and it sounds like you’ve also worked with spouses of addicts. I’m sure I’m not alone in asking you this, but how can I help my husband who struggles with a pornography addicition? I’ve talked to a lot of women who are in a similar position, but we often disagree as to what’s the best approach. I know it’s not my problem, but it does affect my (and my children’s) lives in many ways. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

“Nancy”

Dear Nancy,

You’re right in that over the years I have worked with many Internet addicts as well as their spouses. You pose a great question, and the truth is that there isn’t a “one size fits all” answer. First off, I like the fact that you know this is not your problem to solve. Far too many women feel like if they could somehow have done things differently, for example if they dressed sexier or were more available in the bedroom, then their husbands wouldn’t be looking at pornography. There are also many husbands who will try to make their wives feel responsible for the issue. It is one of the symptoms of addiction for the addict to try and blame someone else for their problems.

I cannot count the times I’ve heard this, but when I first meet with someone struggling with this particular addiction, their typical reasoning is, “Well if my wife and I had more sex together, I wouldn’t be tempted!” Now let me set the record straight, once and for all! This is the BIGGEST excuse in the world, and there’s NO truth to it! For every addict who claims lack of adequate sex with his wife is the reason behind his addiction, I can point out many more who may not have the best intimate life with their spouse but do NOT seek out pornography. For those who wish to blame their spouse for their acting out, their denial of taking personal responsibility quickly comes to an end by answering this question: “Did you ever look at pornography before you ever met your wife?” The answer is always a resounding, “Yes, I did!” So their issue has nothing to do with their spouse or lack of enough sex. The problem rests entirely and only with the addict.

This realization is actually a blessing in disguise, because nobody can begin the process of healing and overcoming any addiction unless they first take full and complete responsibility for their actions. This is a crucial aspect of recovery: honesty with self and then honesty with those around who are most likely to be affected by this addiction, namely the spouse. So for you and the other women you’ve talked to, it’s very important to understand that you never caused your husbands’ acting out. If you can come to that understanding and not take it personally, it will help immensely in your ability to be supportive.

Beyond that, the level of a wife’s support should relate directly to the level of willingness of the husband to work on his issues. If he has come to the point of honestly saying, “I will do whatever it takes to overcome this weakness, once and for all,” then I’d say stand by his side and walk with him through the difficult times ahead. If, on the other hand, he seems to be just going through the motions and is not fully committed to his recovery, then you have some extremely hard decisions to make. Is living with your husband’s addiction something you are willing to have in your life forever? Because full recovery will not take place without the wilingness to do whatever it takes. This is such a difficult addiction to overcome that it requires from the addict at least three things: first, a long term commitment to hard work; second, genuine humility; and third, a very strong support system.

Next week, I will discuss three common ways that spouses deal with their husbands’ addictions, only one of which is healthy both for the wife and the husband.

Until then, keep the faith!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I grew up in a very critical home, and it has really impacted my life and especially my self-esteem. What troubles me is the fact that my parents would always say that they were giving us “constructive criticism” because they wanted us to be better. If we didn’t like it, they would say that we were being disobedient and disrespectful. The funny thing is that sometimes what they would say was the truth, but because I felt criticized I just didn’t care. I would totally shut down or just ignore them. Now that I’m a parent with little kids, I want to be sure that I don’t repeat some of the same patterns. What are you thoughts on constructive criticism? Is that ever OK?

Thank you,
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

My views on criticism are pretty clear. Nothing good, healthy or positive comes from being criticized. Parenting experts repeatedly have stated that for every one negative or critical comment toward a child, it takes 10 positive comments to counteract its impact. Some have argued that if it’s “constructive” and the criticism is well intended, then that’s OK, but here’s my experience:

I remember once criticizing my youngest son and justifying it in my mind, “It’s for his own good. I’m only saying this to him so he can do better next time.” Well if that was true, how come I felt so horrible afterward in my heart, and how come he felt worse about himself? What part of that exchange was constructive? Furthermore, do we really change any behavior because we get criticized enough? Sometimes it just seems easier to criticize than to praise, which brings to mind a poem I once read. It was written by Lou Holtz, the legendary Hall of Fame college football coach, best-selling author and analyst. It goes something like this:

I saw a group of men in my hometown.

I saw a group of men tearing a building down.

With a heave and a ho and mighty yell,

They swung a beam and the sidewalk fell.

And I said to the foreman, “Are these men skilled,

The type you would hire if you wanted to build?”

And he laughed and said, “Why, no indeed.”

He said, “Common labor is all I need.

For I can tear down in a day or two

What it took a builder ten years to do.”

And I thought to myself as I walked away,

“Which of these roles am I going to play?

Am I the type that constantly tears down

As I make my way, foolishly around?

Or am I the type that’s trying to build with care,

In hope that my organization will be glad I was there?”

I love this poem for its simplicity and for asking each one of us, “…which role am I going to play?” If we substitute the word “organization” in the last line of the poem with “family” or “marriage,” what would we answer? That’s up to each one of us to ponder and hopefully come to the right conclusion.

Does this mean we should never correct inappropriate behavior or offer counsel to those we love? Of course not, but it is the way we do it that matters the most. There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean about it when you say it.” I think that’s the answer to your question. We all make mistakes, and therefore we all require some “course correction” from time to time. The key to success is the way this correction takes place. As you practice this form of loving communication, your children will still be held accountable and most likely respond better to it.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,
I love reading your column on Mormon Times, and appreciate how you’ve addressed the issue of pornography. I had a pornography addiction from my late teens, off and on, through almost 17 years of marriage. My wife never knew until four-and-a-half years ago, when I finally told her — I had overcome the addiction about three years earlier, with no relapse (and now, almost eight years later I’m still free, with no sense of weakness or teetering but still wary and vigilant).

Needless to say, it was devastating. She sunk into deep depression, went through anger, rage, and such sadness and hurt that it was almost unbearable, for both of us. It strained our marriage, though neither of us ever seriously considered separating.

Through my addiction, I had self-deceived to the point where I had never confessed to an ecclesiastical leader. I thought I could beat this myself and confess to the Lord. I now realize how foolish that was. So when I confessed to my wife, she had me meet with our bishop where I did confess, and finally at that point, was able to complete the repentance process. The loss of my recommend for a time was painful, but necessary to fulfill the process, and now, to make the long story short, my dear wife is finally mostly healed for the past year, and she expresses trust in me again and the most love and appreciation that she’s ever expressed in our marriage.

I too am reborn in the love that I am able to share with her, and though she never in a million years would have said this would happen, she even refers to this terrible trial in our lives as something that she’d do over again (she says she’d marry me again, even knowing all of this), for the wonderful growth it has resulted in for both of us

I say all of that as a preface to a question that’s been bothering me for some time. When my bishop heard my confession, he was visibly shaken and about the first thing he said pierced me to the core — he said, “there are so many people who look up to you…” I was stung with how I had deceived them by my longstanding actions, although I had struggled to overcome it and indeed had gone for months, and even years at a time, at times, without falling. Yet my overall addiction was not cured.

My question to you is this: Am I still deceiving those around me, the vast majority of whom do not know about my past addiction, who currently look up to me as an example? I honestly try to do my best in my family and church callings, and have been so greatly blessed ever since overcoming this…I feel the Spirit on a regular basis, and serve regularly in the temple…am currently holding a prominent calling in my ward. And I do not feel any inclination toward ever relapsing, while still remaining vigilant. But I know I’m looked up to, and I don’t know if that’s even fair…if they knew my past, would they hold me in such esteem?

Or perhaps would it help them to know what I’ve gone through, would it be a kind of strength, and should I share the lessons I’ve learned in public (four years ago, I never would have dreamed of disclosing publicly my past addiction, but now, if it would be the “right” thing to do, I’d seriously consider it)?

I feel a desire to share this with close friends, so as not to feel like I’m “hiding” something from them, like otherwise I’m being seen falsely by them. Do you think it would be unwise to disclose something like this? I’ve read counsel by some of the general authorities that we should not disclose personal sins to our children, for example, as it may cause negative influence on them. I don’t know how disclosing my past would have an effect on others…but I’m feeling more and more like I’m not being totally honest with others unless I do. I feel conflicted, and would appreciate your counsel.

Thank you,
A troubled “brother”

***********************

Dear troubled brother,
I can’t even begin to express how impressed I am with your honesty, humility and willingness to choose the right. Clearly the healing process of overcoming your addiction has paid great dividends. When making a decision about disclosing our “personal sins” to others, there’s one main question that needs to be answered. Would this disclosure cause more pain, disappointment, and have a negative impact on others as compared to the potential help it might offer?

President Brigham Young took the following approach towards members disclosing sins to others: “Tell to the public that which belongs to the public. If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. If you have sinned against your Ward, confess to your Ward. If you have sinned against one individual, take the person by yourselves and make your confession to him. And if you have sinned against your God, or against yourselves, confess to God and keep the matter to yourselves, for I do not want to know anything about it.” (Discourses of Brigham Young, 1954, 158).

Clearly you have confessed this to your ecclesiastical leader and your spouse. You have gone through the repentance process and made amends by living a life of complete sobriety. Your relationship with your dear wife is better than ever before. I wonder however, if you have completely forgiven yourself? The only reason why I say that, is because after all these years your mind, heart and soul should be completely at peace — the kind of peace that comes from self-forgiveness.

Obviously, I’m leaning towards putting this behind you, and continuing to serve the Lord, your family and all those around you. There will be many opportunities to bless other people’s lives without disclosing your past mistakes. You are not being a hypocrite plain and simple. Everyone has a past, except for the Savior. Enjoy the blessings of sobriety, the invaluable lessons and growth you have achieved, and the new closeness you have with your wife. Help those in need around you and continue to be a good example.

You’re not required to do anything more. Be at peace with yourself and enjoy the blessing of the Atonement — it’s not just for everyone else, it’s for you too!

God bless,
Dr. Elia

********************

Dear Dr. Elia,
Your kind, well-conceived observations and counsel in your column in today’s Mormon Times touched me, and I feel the truth of your words. I guess it takes courage and trust to hand absolutely everything to the Savior, even guilt. I will pray for the strength and confidence to do so, and believe the course you describe is the right one.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question. I sincerely hope that the many others who struggle with pornography may find hope or help in your words. Thanks again,

 A brother in the gospel who hopes soon to be troubled no more

********************

Dear Brother,
 
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the very best in life, you certainly deserve it!
 
Your brother in the Gospel,
 
Elia

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

I recently received the following question:

Dear Loving Grandparents,

First of all let me say I have the greatest admiration for what you’re already doing — nobody plans on raising more kids after they’ve already raised their own. They plan on enjoying their golden years, traveling, visiting their grandkids and finding joy in their posterity. The fact that you willingly stepped forward to raise another generation of kids says so much about your loving nature. Your sacrifice for your grandchildren is above and beyond the call of duty. There are many blessings waiting for you in heaven!

I agree and respect your boundaries of not wanting to now raise a potential third generation of kids. You are not responsible for another’s irresponsible behaviors and their ultimate consequences. I can empathize with your granddaughter’s feelings of wanting to keep the baby. Even at 15 the maternal feeling can be quite strong. The idea of a 15-year-old raising a child is not realistic; as much as she says she’ll raise the baby, the truth is, in the end, it will be you and your husband that will carry the heavy load.

You don’t say how far along she is, but it might be time to begin the “educational process.” I would highly recommend going to www.LDSFamilyservices.org and then clicking on Birth Parents and then on “What are my options?” There you will find great information on potential options. Read it together with your granddaughter and make an appointment to go and visit your local LDS Family Services. From my perspective of course, adoption seems to be the best option. There are lots of wonderful families that would treasure the opportunity to be the parents to this little angel about to be born.

This can be an emotionally overwhelming time for her, so practice patience, kindness and lots of love. At the same time, you need to be proactive with getting the right information to her. I know the people at LDS Family Services are wonderful and will help her make the right decision for her and for the baby.

The longer she waits to make a decision, the tougher it will be for her. Right now she needs to concentrate on staying physically healthy for her baby — meaning no drinking, smoking or putting other harmful substances in her body. Her emotional well-being is equally as important. When you have an unplanned pregnancy, you often feel out of control. It is vitally important that she establishes a sound support system, which Family Services can help provide.

I’ve known many young women in her predicament who have grown up and matured from this experience. Eventually they have fallen in love, gotten married and had a family of their own. I also hope that the time will come when she’ll get pregnant again under the right circumstances.

May the Lord will bless you and your granddaughter during this difficult process.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

Desperate in Utah

Dear Desperate in Utah,

Let me assure you that you are not alone in your predicament. I hear the same concerns from readers, friends and clients on a daily basis. Although there is no magic solution, there are certain things you can do to improve customer satisfaction and regain their loyalty. Having a successful business means having successful customer relationships.

I’d like to introduce you to a concept called DTE, which stands for Define The Expectations. Here’s what it means: the greater the gap between reality and expectations, the more disappointment, stress and dissatisfaction you have in your relationships. When reality meets expectations, this equals happiness, and on rare occasions when reality exceeds expectations this equals joy! Now we’ve all felt what it’s like to have something extraordinary happen, which we didn’t expect, and it feels great!

So how does this work in practical terms in our relationships at work or at home? Let’s start with our customers/clients. When the economy’s booming it is easier to go through the motions, doing the minimum required because we have so many customers to deal with. It’s not that we don’t care about our customers, but sometimes we take them for granted as we’re busy chasing the next opportunity.

That may work OK when times are good, but in the current economic market that’s not going to work. As you said, the competition is fierce for our customer base.

Now more than ever it is important to understand our customers’ expectations and how to best serve them. Depending on the type of businesses we’re in, we can ask for their feedback and ways that we can improve our levels of service.

Most people are open to sharing their opinions when asked in the following manner: “What can we do to serve you better? Can you give us some specific ways that can make our product/service be more beneficial to you?”

This is the best way to understand our customers’ expectations because it comes directly from them. If we’re open, honest and sincere in our attempts to gather this valuable information, I promise you, we’ll get it.

A word of caution however: If we gather this information and then do nothing to implement it, our customers will lose trust, see us as unreliable and will go with the better offer of our competitors. Loss of customers means loss of income, which produces stress not only for our business but also for our homes.

On the positive side, when we clearly understand the expectations our customers have of us and we meet them consistently we earn their trust! The key word is doing it consistently! If however, we choose to exceed their expectations, then we earn their loyalty! That’s when we have a customer for life.

In my experience loyal customers are your best source of marketing, and it’s free! They will begin to refer to you family members, friends and acquaintances and other businesses who in turn will do the same as they become loyal customers.

There is no gimmick or trick to getting this done. It’s simply based on the above principle. Clearly understanding their expectations and then exceeding them in a manner that distinguishes you from the competition. These principles apply not only to our clients/customers but also to our employees, colleagues, family members and in essence to all our vital relationships.

We cannot control the global economic forces, but we can control our own immediate environment!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.