What’s a wife to do?
I have read your posts regarding a spouse addicted to pornography but
they have not completely answered my question (or maybe they have and
it’s not what I wanted to hear). I have been married for 16 years and
my husband has been addicted to pornography for at least 14 of those
years. He has had many ups and downs with his addiction but has usually
stayed at a plateau of viewing it once or twice a week while he says he
wants to do better.
I struggle to bring the subject up with him because the outcome is very
predictable so I usually only do so when I catch him in the act. He
first gets angry and defensive and gives me the silent treatment for at
least a couple of hours. Next he says he’s not mad at me but frustrated
with the situation and many times the conversation ends there.
Sometimes I push the subject and usually be the end of the discussion
(which can last one hour or a day or two with intermittent silence and
anger) he says he feels bad about it and wants to do better.
A few months ago he came to me and seemed very remorseful and said he
was going to start getting stronger in the church and that he really
wanted to change. I was cautiously hopefully but very scared because I
didn’t know how I would handle disappointment again. Just as I feared,
I started suspecting him again about a month after our talk and recently
(one month later) caught him in the act. I asked if he had been doing
better and he simply said “no”.
My husband is an otherwise wonderful man. He works very hard to support
our family, is active in the church, and leads our family in prayer
every morning and night. He came to me in the first place many years
ago and we have tried to have open communication about the situation
unlike other members of his family. He has confessed to bishops in the
past but has never had one meet with him on a regular basis.
I am torn with how to deal with the situation. Although I love him, I
am very guarded in our relationship. I hate having sex with him when I
suspect or know about the situation and at times am repulsed at the
thought of him touching me. I don’t feel like I can fully express my
feelings because he initially throws it back at me that it would have
been better if he had never told me about his problem.
I don’t want a divorce but is it possible for me to forgive him while he
is still struggling with this issue or will I continue to feel
resentment until he fully changes? I am so hurt and distrusting that if
something ever happened to end our marriage I never want to remarry
because I don’t think there is a man out there I can trust.
Thank you for any advice you can give.
SR
You have every right to be guarded in your relationship. Repeated broken
promises lead to lack of trust, which leads to being emotionally
disconnected and frequently physically disconnected. Your husband’s
anger is misdirected; he’s really angry at himself for not being able to
overcome his addiction. The problem lies with the fact that he wants to
do it his way, not atypical of most addicts by the way.
I facilitate the pornography Addiction Recovery Program in our Stake.
This particular issue always comes up initially. True recovery however,
takes place when the addict recognizes that his will needs to give away
to His will! The Lord’s way is very different but it works every single
time!
When your husband was remorseful and said he’s really ready to change,
I’m sure it came after another acting out episode. It sounds like he was
sincere at the time, but still wanted to overcome it his way…just
have more will-power. Well as you and I both know, it’s not about more
self-control but rather admitting he has NO control and surrendering his
will and his life to God.
I know it’s been said before, but unless he’s willing to follow the
Addiction Recovery Program and start attending weekly meetings and doing
the homework, not much will change. Further more, he needs to be
visiting with his ecclesiastical leader,typically the bishop and even
with someone who understands and has successfully treated porn addicts
before.
If he does all three consistently, then he’ll have an opportunity to
live his mortal life in freedom. Until then he will be held hostage by
lust and your lives will continue down the same dysfunctional path.
Don’t give up on him, but let him know that words by themselves are
meaningless. His actions will speak much louder…so what will he
choose? Freedom which can only come as the result of a lot of hard work,
expense and time commitment, or continued slavery.
Let me know what he’s willing to do…
God bless,
Elia Gourgouris Ph.D.
303-523-6396
www.LDSCoaching.com











