Ask Dr. Elia!

It’s hard to believe summer is almost over and school is about to start again. Summers are a necessary break from all the stress of the school year. We as parents also tend to be a little more relaxed when it comes to rules, like staying up late, sleeping in and so on. By now however, most moms … I mean most parents, are actually quite ready to have their kids go back to school. It’s time to pull the family together and return to the safety of having a routine once more. Enough of the summer chaos!

The tricky part of reigning in our kids is the fact that they’ve gotten use to hearing a lot of “OKs” over the summer. For example, questions like “Can I go to the pool, movies or a friend’s house?” are usually answered with a resounding “Yes, and have fun!” So going back to setting limits and boundaries, and enforcing them initially, can be met with a little or a lot of pushback. Parents are invariably painted in to the corner of being too strict, too mean, too old-fashioned, too controlling or just plain too out of touch with today’s world. Boundaries and limits are too often seen as a hindrance to freedom of doing one’s own thing.

So that magical word “no” can easily become a source of contention and hurt feelings in our family relationships. If you’ve ever had an opportunity to speak and listen to young adults about their experiences growing up, you might discover some very interesting insights. Normally you’d expect them to say that their parents had too many rules, were too strict and controlled everything. Well, that can be one side of the parent-child experience. Far too often I’ve heard the exact opposite. Many adults I’ve interviewed wish their parents had been more consistent with the rules and more strict in their enforcement. This is fascinating to me, especially given how much teenagers hate being told what to do. After all, they know everything! These adults felt that their parents’ lack of rules, limits and boundaries was a sign that the parents didn’t really care about them. What’s ironic is that the more permissive parents think that they’re being more loving by indulging their kids and giving in to their teenager’s requests.

Saying “no” within reason is one of the most loving things we can do as parents, especially when raising kids during their turbulent teenage years. Our children need limits now more than ever. It would be unloving and unkind of us to overindulge them. They may not like our boundaries, but eventually they will come to understand we did it for their benefit. We set boundaries because we love them. The key, of course, is how we say no. Quite often in families a request is made by the child, the parent says no, and then the back and forth for control begins. If not closely monitored it can escalate to loud, angry and disrespectful words or actions. As parents it is our responsibility to set the tone of the conversation and very clearly set the consequences for disrespectful language. Our kids don’t have to agree, understand or like our decisions, but it will be a lot easier if they accept our final decision with respect. When children know and accept that our boundaries are solid, they will begin to self-regulate their behaviors in order to avoid additional consequences.

The long-term goal for all of us parents is to raise independent children who’ve learned to manage themselves, their emotions and actions and who know that we love them.

Parenting is the most unpredictable, exhilarating, heartbreaking and amazing experience in life. Clearly defined expectations, limits and boundaries can play a significant part in raising successful children … one day at a time.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Since I starting writing this weekly column over the past two years, I have received many wonderfully positive and inspiring comments from readers, and I’ve appreciated every single one of them. So keep them coming!

One of these comments, in response to last week’s article, has prompted me to write today about our sphere of influence. In essence, when does our influence start, how far does it extend and what does it look like? How can we leave this world a better place than we found it … which to me is the true measure of having lived a successful life?

Our influence, for better or for worse, usually begins early on in our homes when we’re just little children. It can start as a simple act of kindness of sharing our toys with those we choose to play with. We can invite the one kid in the playground who is sitting all alone to come and join us. An older child can help Mom with the youngest kids and provide much-needed assistance. The example of being of service hopefully will get passed down to the younger kids as we grow older and move out of the home.

Over the past several years I’ve had the opportunity to teach leadership courses in corporate and military settings. In those arenas, the issue of “who is leader” can easily be explained by the title attached to an individual’s name. For example, the CEO is the leader of the entire company. The vice president of sales has an array of direct reports who hopefully follow his or her lead. In the military, I once worked with a general and his staff, which consisted of 30 colonels and lieutenant colonels. The general led them by example, and they in turn passed down his message and positive influence.

But leadership does not need a title, a degree after one’s name or stars on a uniform. A leader is simply anyone who has influence over someone else. My oldest son has the opportunity to be a leader to his younger brother … hopefully with benevolence! In normal homes, those with the most influence are usually the parents … the question is, what kind of influence?

The responsibility therefore is enormous for parents to teach our kids right from wrong. The biggest factor of course is through our actions. Learning to be kind and loving, work hard, share, volunteer and give from the heart to those less fortunate are ALL examples of what we can teach at home. Learning to pray and develop our relationship with God, play and have fun, and participate in wholesome activities all start in the home.

Extended families can also play a vital role in influencing us. A loving grandmother, a playful uncle, a wise grandpa, an older cousin and many more within the family system can be tremendously influential.

By the way, the use of the words “extended families” goes far beyond those with whom we are biologically connected. I remember as kids my parents had many wonderful friends we called uncles and aunts who, although not really related to us, still had a positive influence on us. The core of families is not the genes that connect us but the love that we share.

The home, however, is only the start because as we get older and move on, our sphere of influence grows exponentially. Whether at school, church, Scouts, with sports teams or any other group or social interaction, we now have a much larger world within which we can play a positive role. So often I’ve heard of people saying how one teacher in middle school, or one youth leader, or a loving church leader, or even a friendly neighbor had such an amazing influence that it literally changed their lives. In our church we have opportunities to serve within our wards and stakes and beyond. How fortunate we are to be given opportunities each week to be influenced by our leaders and in return to provide leadership and share the gospel of love and light with those around us.

Sometimes in life we’re put in a position where we can influence many more people. Public speaking, writing, performing or even serving in our communities can open doors to interactions with a multitude of people. However, we don’t need to be well-known or a public figure to exert such an influence. With today’s vast improvements in communication and especially with the explosion of social networks, the opportunities for our sphere of influence to grow are unprecedented.

In the last couple of years since I joined Facebook, I have seen and read more stories than ever before about faith, hope, acts of kindness and the overall goodness of mankind. I realize that social networking has its darker side, too, but the opportunities to be a voice of love, hope and faith make it worth it.

So here’s the deal: If we want to leave a legacy of improving the world that we inherited, we must enlarge our sphere of influence. It may start small, as an older sibling helping a younger one, but in today’s world, each one of us has the opportunity to make a significant difference in ways that just a few years ago would have been unimaginable.

So let’s start today with a welcoming smile, a kind word, a warm embrace, and keep it growing. We can change someone’s life and truly leave this earth a little, or a lot, better than we found it.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I’ve read several of your articles on internet addiction, and it sounds like you’ve also worked with spouses of addicts. I’m sure I’m not alone in asking you this, but how can I help my husband who struggles with a pornography addiction? I’ve talked to a lot of women who are in a similar position, but we often disagree as to what’s the best approach. I know it’s not my problem, but it does affect my (and my children’s) lives in many ways. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

“Nancy”

Over the past 20 years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many Internet addicts and their spouses. Today’s article will address three different, but common, ways that spouses deal with their husbands’ Internet addiction. A word of caution: these are very different approaches to the same issue, and I ask that you not pass judgment on any of them. If we have not walked in their shoes, it may be difficult to understand why certain wives react the way they do, but rest assured that their road is difficult, and there are no easy answers.

The first common reaction is one of utter shock and disbelief, with feelings of betrayal that are often accompanied by tremendous anger toward the husband. Initially, this may seem like a harsh or detrimental approach (and at times it can be), but it’s important to note that the anger expressed is a direct byproduct of deep hurt. For years, these wives have believed that they had a good marriage, and even if things were not exactly perfect, they’d never imagined that pornography would invade their home and/or marriage. Feelings of inadequacy soon follow. I cannot count the number of times when women have shared with me how inferior they feel to the “women images” their husbands are looking at. The phrase, “I can’t compare with them …” is often accompanied by tears of sorrow and helplessness.

Let me emphasize that these feelings and reactions are perfectly normal. The problem arises when the women remain emotionally stuck there. In other words, their anger turns into resentment and creates an even bigger wedge in the relationship. In this case, if the husband wants to overcome his addiction, he will have to do it without the support of his spouse. Unfortunately, even bringing up that he might be tempted stirs up all these negative feelings and creates more hurt. Oftentimes, the wife becomes a “detective” within the marriage, going through e-mails, cell phone numbers, her husband’s clothes … looking for clues of his continuing addiction. This type of co-dependency is hurtful both to her and her addicted husband. I would highly recommend for these wives to get some professional help for themselves to learn how to best take care of themselves as their husbands try to overcome this terrible addiction, and to work through all these negative — but legitimate — feelings. The goal is for them is to ultimately move beyond the anger and closer to forgiveness. It’s definitely not easy, but in the end it will be worth it for both parties.

The second group reacts to the news differently. After the initial shock subsides, they tell their husbands that this behavior will not be tolerated. Often the statement that follows is, “Get the help you need and get this problem fixed once and for all! This is your problem, and you have to fix it. If you need to go to groups or counseling or meet with the bishop, I’ll support you, but I don’t want to know anything about it.” It’s the approach of “leave me out of it,” but the support exists in a more passive way. Often these wives have a healthier view of themselves and don’t get caught up in the comparisons. They place their focus on their children and their callings and sort of leave their husbands to do the recovery work. They don’t ask a lot of questions, but they support them through prayers and by taking care of things on the home front. Discussions about the addiction and or progress are few and far between.

For certain couples, this approach works. The husband feels like he has the room in the marriage to try and work on his addiction while not feeling pressured by his spouse. He develops a support system that may not include her, but healing and complete recovery is still possible. It also works for her as she goes on with her life with the self-assurance necessary to stand by her man, as he gets the help he needs.

The third approach is the least used, and probably the healthiest of the three. In this scenario the wife — although disappointed and usually hurt at first — quickly recognizes the nature of the problem. She approaches her husband with compassion, love and understanding. She certainly does not take it personally but instead offers her unconditional support, which goes beyond the more passive approach of the second group. It includes being available to talk, listen, encourage and love her husband through the recovery process. It may also include an active participation in a women’s support group where she takes an active role in helping other wives in similar situations.

In my experience, this is the best way for a couple to jointly battle this horrible addiction. Spouses who take this approach seem to have a better view of themselves in terms of their self-worth. They have the sure knowledge of their eternal worth and therefore can offer an empathetic listening ear, an open mind and a loving heart to their eternal companion as he pursues complete recovery.

Not everyone has to do it this way of course, as the second approach clearly has worked for many couples as well. If you know of a mother, daughter or sister who may benefit from this article, please pass it along. If you need further information please feel free to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I’ve read several of your articles on internet addiction, and it sounds like you’ve also worked with spouses of addicts. I’m sure I’m not alone in asking you this, but how can I help my husband who struggles with a pornography addicition? I’ve talked to a lot of women who are in a similar position, but we often disagree as to what’s the best approach. I know it’s not my problem, but it does affect my (and my children’s) lives in many ways. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

“Nancy”

Dear Nancy,

You’re right in that over the years I have worked with many Internet addicts as well as their spouses. You pose a great question, and the truth is that there isn’t a “one size fits all” answer. First off, I like the fact that you know this is not your problem to solve. Far too many women feel like if they could somehow have done things differently, for example if they dressed sexier or were more available in the bedroom, then their husbands wouldn’t be looking at pornography. There are also many husbands who will try to make their wives feel responsible for the issue. It is one of the symptoms of addiction for the addict to try and blame someone else for their problems.

I cannot count the times I’ve heard this, but when I first meet with someone struggling with this particular addiction, their typical reasoning is, “Well if my wife and I had more sex together, I wouldn’t be tempted!” Now let me set the record straight, once and for all! This is the BIGGEST excuse in the world, and there’s NO truth to it! For every addict who claims lack of adequate sex with his wife is the reason behind his addiction, I can point out many more who may not have the best intimate life with their spouse but do NOT seek out pornography. For those who wish to blame their spouse for their acting out, their denial of taking personal responsibility quickly comes to an end by answering this question: “Did you ever look at pornography before you ever met your wife?” The answer is always a resounding, “Yes, I did!” So their issue has nothing to do with their spouse or lack of enough sex. The problem rests entirely and only with the addict.

This realization is actually a blessing in disguise, because nobody can begin the process of healing and overcoming any addiction unless they first take full and complete responsibility for their actions. This is a crucial aspect of recovery: honesty with self and then honesty with those around who are most likely to be affected by this addiction, namely the spouse. So for you and the other women you’ve talked to, it’s very important to understand that you never caused your husbands’ acting out. If you can come to that understanding and not take it personally, it will help immensely in your ability to be supportive.

Beyond that, the level of a wife’s support should relate directly to the level of willingness of the husband to work on his issues. If he has come to the point of honestly saying, “I will do whatever it takes to overcome this weakness, once and for all,” then I’d say stand by his side and walk with him through the difficult times ahead. If, on the other hand, he seems to be just going through the motions and is not fully committed to his recovery, then you have some extremely hard decisions to make. Is living with your husband’s addiction something you are willing to have in your life forever? Because full recovery will not take place without the wilingness to do whatever it takes. This is such a difficult addiction to overcome that it requires from the addict at least three things: first, a long term commitment to hard work; second, genuine humility; and third, a very strong support system.

Next week, I will discuss three common ways that spouses deal with their husbands’ addictions, only one of which is healthy both for the wife and the husband.

Until then, keep the faith!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

One of my callings in the LDS Church is serving as a co-facilitator for the Addiction Recovery Program for our stake. A couple of weeks ago we were discussing Step 11: personal revelation. The key principle of this particular step states, “Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.”

The main emphasis of Step 11 is for us to develop and make a lifelong commitment to put God first in our lives. There’s one distinct aspect which we must master in order to be effective. We must first start with seeking divine guidance on a daily basis. So as a group, we decided to pray and meditate on our knees every morning and night for the whole week between meetings. I know this is LDS living 101, but it has not been as easy as we might have thought. For those who made it the first week, the pledge was renewed for the following week, and for those who didn’t, the commitment was made for continued improvement. After all, life and recovery is all about progress before perfection.

Keeping the focus on the Savior between morning and evening prayers is frequently elusive given the busyness of our lives. In our discussion, I recalled driving to Utah from Colorado through Wyoming a few months ago. For those of you unfamiliar with this drive, let’s just say that there’s not a whole lot of traffic on the road. As matter of fact, you might see more animals than people. I was by myself, so I decided not to turn the radio on for several hours. I thought this was a unique time to ponder, meditate and talk to my Heavenly Father. It was probably the longest I’ve ever talked to him and listened to the promptings of the Spirit. It was one of the most peaceful and best long-distance drives I’ve ever had. The time just flew by.

One of the members of the group who has a great sense of humor said, “So basically you had your heavenly Bluetooth on! It gets perfect reception, even in the open space of rural Wyoming, there’s never an upgrade to the next model and the warranty never runs out.”

We all laughed, but in all seriousness he was right — it always works because Heavenly Father is always there to listen to the pleadings of our hearts when we approach him humbly and sincerely. I realize that in everyday life, we rarely have the luxury of being alone for so many uninterrupted hours. So how can we keep in mind that we each have a Heavenly Bluetooth in our possession? How can we make the best use of it in the midst of our busy lives?

I can tell you what has helped me the most is the knowledge that I have to return and report to the group. There have been a couple of nights when I got in bed, and I was about to close my eyes, being tired from a long day’s work, when I remembered my pledge to the other group members. It helped me get on my knees and pray to God. Having that kind of accountability has made all the difference. I’ve realized that for years I have justified at times being “too tired” to pray as an excuse for not praying. I cannot envision or recall God being too tired to listen or answer the pleadings of our hearts.

So no matter how busy, tired, distracted or discouraged you might feel, just remember that your heavenly Bluetooth works just fine: all it takes for it to be activated is a sincere desire.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

A couple of weeks ago I visited a dear friend of mine at the hospital. He had undergone a triple bypass surgery the day before and was in the intensive care unit recuperating. He is a wonderful father, husband, friend and a devout Christian, who is also an Indiana Jones type. He has traveled the world, sailed across the Atlantic, climbed the tallest mountains, and as recently as last month was chasing tornadoes! He has lived his life to the fullest and then some. He has always seemed to me to be indestructible, so seeing him in such a fragile state was truly shocking. He had more tubes coming out of him than I’ve ever seen in an individual; he was clearly in a lot of pain and having some difficulty breathing, so our visit was rather short.

He talked, or whispered, about his relationship to God and his family and how important those were to him. Now given that he’s only a couple of years older than me, our encounter has given me much to reflect upon. I’ve been thinking about life here on earth, how fleeting it truly is, and how we choose to spent it. Prioritizing our time between family, church, work, friends, leisure and being of service is not easy, and in fact often seems elusive.

I read a short book over the Fourth of July weekend about a physician’s incredible near-death experience. I’ve read books like these before, but for some reason it had a greater impact this time, probably because I’d been thinking of my friend’s situation. What if we all had such a close call with death? What would we do differently? To top it all off, I had just turned the radio on, and the first song that came on was called “How Far Is Heaven?” I don’t know the answer to that question, but I believe we can create a little bit of heaven here on earth by doing the following three things each day:

The first thing is to treat every encounter with a family member, a friend, an associate at work, or even a stranger with love and understanding. The Lord’s example of love can be our guideline. If we claim to be his followers, there’s no better way to prove it on a daily basis by showing our unconditional love. A warm smile, a heartfelt embrace, an uplifting word can go a long way in creating a little bit of heaven on earth.

The second thing is to ask for forgiveness from those we have hurt through our imperfections and weaknesses. Furthermore, we need to extend a forgiving heart to those who have caused us pain and suffering, regardless of the magnitude. It is not up to us to decide or be selective in our forgiveness. Besides, can you think of a better way to be free of bitterness and resentments? The Lord asked us to forgive all and then leave the rest up to him. Following that counsel can bring us peace and happiness.

Finally, if we could spend a little part of each day serving one another we would have a sense of connection that only service can bring. There’s not much that I can think of that carries a greater sense of being in heaven than service. Of course when we are in the service of those around us, we are in the service of God.

So my reflections on finding a little bit of heaven on this earth can be summarized by these three simple words: love, forgive, serve!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I grew up in a very critical home, and it has really impacted my life and especially my self-esteem. What troubles me is the fact that my parents would always say that they were giving us “constructive criticism” because they wanted us to be better. If we didn’t like it, they would say that we were being disobedient and disrespectful. The funny thing is that sometimes what they would say was the truth, but because I felt criticized I just didn’t care. I would totally shut down or just ignore them. Now that I’m a parent with little kids, I want to be sure that I don’t repeat some of the same patterns. What are you thoughts on constructive criticism? Is that ever OK?

Thank you,
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

My views on criticism are pretty clear. Nothing good, healthy or positive comes from being criticized. Parenting experts repeatedly have stated that for every one negative or critical comment toward a child, it takes 10 positive comments to counteract its impact. Some have argued that if it’s “constructive” and the criticism is well intended, then that’s OK, but here’s my experience:

I remember once criticizing my youngest son and justifying it in my mind, “It’s for his own good. I’m only saying this to him so he can do better next time.” Well if that was true, how come I felt so horrible afterward in my heart, and how come he felt worse about himself? What part of that exchange was constructive? Furthermore, do we really change any behavior because we get criticized enough? Sometimes it just seems easier to criticize than to praise, which brings to mind a poem I once read. It was written by Lou Holtz, the legendary Hall of Fame college football coach, best-selling author and analyst. It goes something like this:

I saw a group of men in my hometown.

I saw a group of men tearing a building down.

With a heave and a ho and mighty yell,

They swung a beam and the sidewalk fell.

And I said to the foreman, “Are these men skilled,

The type you would hire if you wanted to build?”

And he laughed and said, “Why, no indeed.”

He said, “Common labor is all I need.

For I can tear down in a day or two

What it took a builder ten years to do.”

And I thought to myself as I walked away,

“Which of these roles am I going to play?

Am I the type that constantly tears down

As I make my way, foolishly around?

Or am I the type that’s trying to build with care,

In hope that my organization will be glad I was there?”

I love this poem for its simplicity and for asking each one of us, “…which role am I going to play?” If we substitute the word “organization” in the last line of the poem with “family” or “marriage,” what would we answer? That’s up to each one of us to ponder and hopefully come to the right conclusion.

Does this mean we should never correct inappropriate behavior or offer counsel to those we love? Of course not, but it is the way we do it that matters the most. There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean about it when you say it.” I think that’s the answer to your question. We all make mistakes, and therefore we all require some “course correction” from time to time. The key to success is the way this correction takes place. As you practice this form of loving communication, your children will still be held accountable and most likely respond better to it.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Last month I had an opportunity to participate in a workshop at a multistake Single Adult conference in California. I was asked to present and discuss the do’s and don’ts of dating. Now it’s true that my single days ended two decades ago, but I coach several people who are single and are looking to find their eternal companions. The most important advice I can give is that a lot of heartache can be avoided if we keep our eternal perspective with us at all times. With that in mind, here are a few specific “do’s” and “don’ts.”

1. The first and most important aspect of dating actually has to do with remembering who we are: sons and daughters of our Father in heaven. Before we go out on the first date with someone, we must incorporate that knowledge into our thinking. How would our thoughts and behaviors be different if we approached our date as such? Would respect and kindness be our top priorities knowing that we’re sitting across from a beloved child of Heavenly Father?

2. What is the purpose of dating and what is the real motivation? Several things come to mind: for some it might be security, for others companionship or friendship. Sometimes the motivation is lust cleverly disguised as love. Hopefully and ultimately it is a desire to meet and fall in love and make a commitment to a life of growing both individually and together.

3. Defining expectations early on in the dating process will prove invaluable. Clearly defined and agreed upon expectations create an environment of trust and allow the relationship to unfold at a pace that works for both parties. Undefined expectations will ultimately collide, even unwillingly, and create frustration and hurt.

4. If for some reason the relationship seems like it’s not going to work out, go back to No. 1 and remember who you are and who you’ve been going out with. Far too often the one doing the breaking up simply disappears. This approach lacks maturity, kindness and courage. Communicate honestly and respectfully by saying something like, “I really appreciate the time we’ve shared together, but I think we need to move forward in different directions.” I have worked with so many clients who were left to wonder what they did wrong, if anything, because someone just cut them out of their lives without an explanation. If you wouldn’t want that to happen to you, make sure to never do it to someone else.

Finally I would like to discuss a couple of red flags when it comes to dating.

Be watchful and mindful of any signs someone is trying to control other people in their lives. If the person you’ve just started dating exhibits any signs of controlling areas that should remain yours, run for your life! By doing so, you will avoid untold misery and heartbreak sometimes for years to come. Refuse to allow anyone in any situation to practice unrighteous dominion.

Respect your body, yourself and you spirit and all will be well.

Also if it appears that the first few dates are “all about them” perhaps it would be wise to move on. Being across from someone who only talks about him/herself is not just annoying and rude but also a signs of things to come. Let them be in a relationship by themselves since it’s all about them!

Enjoy the process the best you can, learn from each and every relationship, laugh when you need to, and most of all remember your values and your eternal worth!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dear Dr. Elia,

I’ve been divorced a little over a year now, after being married for 20 years. My friends keep telling me that it’s time to “get out there” and start dating again. I never thought I’d be in this position and I find it really hard to make myself available. I don’t want to get hurt again so I’m reluctant to date. On the other hand, I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. Any suggestions?

“Alone Again”

Dear Alone Again,

You bring up several good points about picking up the pieces after a divorce. I’m working with several clients who are in the same predicament. None of them expected to be single after so many years of marriage. The dating world has changed considerably in the last 20 years, especially with the proliferation of online dating services. The good news for you is the fact that you didn’t jump in to dating right after your divorce. There are many people who are still emotionally devastated from the divorce that start dating without first working out their issues over their divorce. The problem of getting into a “rebound relationship” is that without doing your homework, you may end up making the same mistake(s) again.

It’s very easy to make a hasty decision about the new relationship. It feels so much better than the relationship you had with your ex that it must be right. Even though sometimes it does work out, in my experience, it usually doesn’t and oftentimes leads to a second divorce shortly thereafter. It’s vitally important to work out whatever feelings/issues you have after the divorce, so you won’t carry any leftover “emotional baggage” to future relationships. When you do decide to date, make sure that the persons you’re dating have also done their homework. One way to know how much they still carry is if they continuously talk negatively about their former spouse and blame them for all their problems and their divorce. If there’s still a lot of bitterness and resentments towards their ex, that’s a sure sign of someone who has not forgiven and let go of the past. Stay away from such dating encounters.

If you feel that you’ve healed from the divorce and you don’t want to be alone the rest of your life, perhaps it’s time to take your first baby steps in the dating world. There are a few things worth remembering as you begin this unpredictable journey.

Trust who you are — you are a daughter/son of Heavenly Father and he loves you.

It’s is vitally important to treat yourself with love and kindness while dating. It will ensure that you’ll take care of yourself and not allow anyone to act disrespectfully towards you.

Believe that there is someone for you — Heavenly Father wants you to be happy.

Your positive attitude will play a crucial role in finding that “special” one!

Have integrity and honesty — no relationship can flourish with lies in between.

There’s no reason to hide your imperfections and pretend to be someone else. Either way, the truth eventually rises to the surface. Be real, be truthful and enjoy the process.

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically — by taking good care of yourself, you’re saying to the world that you matter.

You’ve invested time and energy to being the best you can be and therefore can expect the same from those you choose to date. Remember that you always have a choice of who you date.

Believe there are wonderful people out there — don’t let previous experiences impact your perceptions.

In other words, don’t allow cynicism to take over. The past does NOT equal the future. Your future is determined by the choices you make today. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Most people are good and want the same things you want: happiness, friendship, companionship and love.

By the way, you mentioned that you didn’t want to get hurt again. Although it’s entirely understandable why you’d feel this way, the only way to guarantee never getting hurt again is to never take a chance on love again. There’s always a risk we take when we put ourselves out there, but I believe it’s a risk worth taking. Life’s too short to live without love.

So get prepared for an exciting roller coaster experience that can lead to eternal happiness. Next week’s article will discuss the do’s and don’ts of dating for both men and women

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

In the past weeks, I have received several questions from parents about how to become more effective. So many parents (especially moms) feel overwhelmed by the daily demands.

Trying to raise children in today’s society is not an easy task. Our children are being pulled from all sides by a multitude of distractions, different moral values and just plain evil. They have so many demands to meet, and at times it’s difficult to know when to give in and when to say no.

The first thing to determine, of course, is which of those demands qualify as a need versus a want. As a parent, taking care of our children’s needs is a part of the job; fulfilling all their wants however, is actually hazardous to their (and our) overall health — physically, emotionally and spiritually.

As a simple analogy, imagine that parenting is like going bowling. If the kids are too small but still want to participate, we usually will ask the manager of the facility to put up the “bumpers,” otherwise the bowling ball will usually end up in the gutter. It takes time, effort, coordination, maturity and skill to be able to get the bowling ball down the middle most of the time. I want you to imagine that as parents, we put up the “bumpers” to protect our kids from falling into the gutters of life. Of course we would like our kids to “bowl” straight down the middle in all of their choices and keep getting strikes. But such an outcome is highly unrealistic.

Children, whether they are 5 or 17, will usually strive to go down the middle, but invariably their lives will go off-center. It’s meant to be that way, as long as they can bounce off the boundaries we set up for them (aka the bumpers). By the time they get to the end of the alley, they might bounce back and forth several times before they hit the pins. Setting clear and firm boundaries actually provides safety for them, even if they don’t like it or understand why. In the end, we want our children to be successful and hit as many pins as possible — even a few strikes now and then.

Since we’re all children of God, in some ways the same analogy applies to us. God has set up certain “bumpers” or “boundaries,” such as the commandments. If we choose to obey them, then our lives will be blessed. If we choose to go off and ignore those lovingly set bumpers, then we’ll end up in the gutter and get a really low life-score! We’re all in this together, so whether we’re talking about bowling, parenting or our own lives, boundaries are there for our safety and protection. Within them we can thrive, without them we’ll ultimately pay a heavy price.

Just like in bowling, eventually as parents we must take down the bumpers and allow our children to exercise their agency. If they have been taught well and allowed to safely bounce against the boundaries, they will be better prepared for life.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.