Ask Dr. Elia!

It’s been a week since I returned from Haiti, but the memories will last a lifetime. There are very few experiences in life that truly change us from within. What I witnessed in Haiti is a humanitarian crisis far worse than has been shown on TV. Perhaps it’s unrealistic to expect that the reports coming in can do justice to the actual reality when, most likely, none of us have actually seen anything similar in our life’s experiences.

Dr. Terry Lyles and Dr. Elia in front of the church in Port-au-Prince. Photo: Elia Gourgouris

According to the United Nations. there are 1.2 million Haitians who lost their homes in the Jan. 12 earthquake. Such an immensity of homelessness has never been experienced anywhere in the Western Hemisphere — at least not in recent memory. In talking with several people in Port-au-Prince, the biggest worry for the displaced population is the upcoming rainy season, which starts in April. Undoubtedly there will be flooding, and there’s great concern about an outbreak of disease. This is inevitable, given the nonexistence of any kind of sewer systems; how widespread it will be remains to be seen. According to the U.N. Humanitarian Affairs office, 25,000 portable toilets need to be delivered in the next six months and an additional 7,000 pit latrines need to be dug. This will provide the biggest defense against the spread of diseases.

In the midst of all the trash, lack of basic sanitation, limited electricity, the nonexistence of clean running water, adequate shelter, or healthy food, unbelievably, I saw hope.

Dr. Elia in front of a collapsed building next to the presidential palace. Photo: Elia Gourgouris

Feb. 12 marked the one-month anniversary of the deadly quake. Haitian President Preval declared it a national day of mourning. As we drove through the streets of Port-au-Prince early on the morning of the 12th, I noticed people everywhere walking at a brisk pace. Most of them were dressed in Sunday best clothes, with men wearing white shirts or T-shirts and the women wearing white dresses. One of the things that struck me the most was that they walked with such dignity and grace in the midst of such destruction.

I asked our driver, “Where’s everyone going so early in the morning?” He replied that a lot of them were going to the places where they have lost loved ones. Others were going to churches to worship in open Masses, since many churches have been destroyed.

The new Foyer de Sion orphanage being built in the outskirts of Port-au-Prince. Photo: Elia Gourgouris

As we got closer to downtown, we witnessed thousands of people praying, clapping and singing. When I inquired what they were singing about, the driver said, “They’re saying ‘God be near us, don’t leave us.’” Hearing their beautiful voices singing and seeing them praising the Lord with such humility was very touching! The sweet spirit emanating from the people in the streets of Port-au-Prince is one of my most cherished memories; I will never forget.

I felt like if the Savior was here on earth today, he would be walking those same streets, healing them with his hands and comforting them with his unconditional love. In the meantime, in our limited way, we can continue to offer our prayers, resources and time in assisting our brothers and sisters in Haiti. My biggest concern is that another calamity might strike somewhere in the world in the next few months and that the world’s attention will shift away from Haiti where it is so desperately needed — both now and for years or even decades to come in order for Port-au-Prince to be rebuilt. I hope we can maintain our focus and resources for the long term. This is not a sprint but a marathon of patience, assistance and love.

Finally, I wanted to thank all those who contributed and supported my trip to Haiti. I could not have done it without your help. I will be going back to Haiti and hope to assist in the new Foyer de Sion orphanage that is under construction. For more information as to how you can help, go to www.foyerdesion.org. Whatever your contribution might be, either financial or in goods, it will be greatly appreciated!

May God continue to bless his children in Haiti during this most difficult time.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

During the last few days most of the world’s attention had been on the Winter Olympics or the massive 8.8 earthquake in Chile.

For two families however, those events took a back seat to the tragic loss of one of their own. Actor Walter Koenig, who played Chekov in the original “Star Trek” television series, and his wife Judith, lost their 41-year-old son Andrew Koenig to suicide. The former “Growing Pains” star was found at Vancouver’s famed Standley Park, not far, ironically, from the Olympic venues.

A day later our very own Marie Osmond’s 18-year-old son Michael was also found dead in Los Angeles from an apparent suicide. Our prayers and condolences go out to her, Michael’s father Brian Blosil and the entire Osmond family, as well as the Koenig family.

While this article may not provide any comfort to these families during this difficult time, I hope it might prevent someone else’s family from experiencing this unbearable grief.

Facts

Here are some pertinent facts about suicide: It takes the lives of 30,000 Americans each year. Many who attempt suicide never seek professional help. More than half of all suicides occur in adult men, ages 25-65, as in Andrew’s case. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15 to 24-year old Americans (according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), as in Michael’s case.

The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression but research has also shown medications and therapy to be effective for suicide prevention. Finally, suicide can be prevented through education and public awareness. Hopefully this article can contribute in this manner.

Signs and symptoms

There are several danger/warning signs for people who are at risk for suicide, such as thinking, talking or wishing about suicide, or feeling trapped or hopeless, like there’s no way out of a certain situation or predicament. Withdrawal from family, friends, work, school or other activities and hobbies are important signs, as well as increased recklessness, meaning high risk-taking behaviors. A dramatic shift or change in mood coupled with agitation, restlessness, anger or irritability should be a concern, as is an increased preoccupation with death, i.e., looking for ways to die, doing internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for pills or guns.

Paradoxically, suddenly feeling happier or calm can also be a danger sign. Losing interest in things one cares about, visiting or calling people one is close to, or giving away prized possessions are often seen as signs of a troubled mind.

Finally, making arrangements like setting one’s affairs in order can be viewed as a warning sign for suicide.

Prevention

If someone you know is actively suicidal, meaning they are not just thinking about it but have made a plan, please call 911 or go with them to the nearest emergency room. You can also dial the Suicide Prevention line at 1 800-273-TALK (8255). It’s important to talk to someone who can help get the necessary help. A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or a mental health professional.

During the last 20 years, I have worked with a lot of people who were depressed for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it was a bio-chemical imbalance which caused the depression, while other times it was a situation that led to those feelings. For many, it got so bad that they wished to no longer exist. I think we’re all capable of having those feelings of sadness or despair at any given point in our lives.

Even the happiest people I’ve known — myself included — have at times thought of being in a better place.

I know after my mother passed away, I had such profound grief that I no longer wanted to be here on earth. I just wanted to be with her in the peacefulness of the next life. I even had thoughts like, “If Heavenly Father wants me to come ‘home’ tonight in my sleep, I’m OK with that.”

Many of the Latter-day Saints I’ve worked with have at some point in their lives expressed similar feelings. That’s not necessarily being suicidal; however, it’s more of an expression of how difficult life is right now, but they’d never take their own lives.

There were times however, when someone would express not only a desire to die but also had thought of and had the means to do it. That’s when an immediate intervention was necessary. Hospitalizing someone — sometimes even against their will — was not an easy task, but ethically, legally and morally, it was always the right thing to do.

Fortunately, no one I’ve ever worked with took their own life. I’m forever grateful for that!

I hope we can all pray for the families of these two men who passed away so suddenly. Their loved ones will find comfort in their own unique ways. There’s no “right way” to deal with grief. Talking with loved ones, seeking spiritual or professional help like grief counseling, sharing memories together with friends and family are just some of the ways they can begin to deal with their loss.

May God’s comfort be with them today and always.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

The trip to Haiti was a life-changing experience on so many levels.

A lot can happen in one week, so let me share with you the highlights. Dr. Lyles and I flew into Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic and took a taxi to the Haitian border. Let’s just say that the 4 1/2-hour journey to the border was filled with pot holes big enough to swallow a Mini Cooper!

We arrived just before they closed the border around dusk. The atmosphere was chaotic, with people yelling, pushing and negotiating their way across to Haiti. Once the sun went down, it was pitch black (no electricity) and as we waited for Bishop Mardy we made sure to stick very close to the police station.

With our Red Cross badges around our necks, we nervously waited for a couple of hours until he arrived. Getting in his SUV was a welcome relief. The Foyer de Sion orphanage in Port-au-Prince was about an hour way. Even though it was incredibly dark, it was impossible to miss the damage once we entered the capital.

Provided by Elia Gourgouris.

By the time we arrived, all the children were asleep. Infants and toddlers were in their cribs on the main floor, while the older children slept on the tile floor on the second floor. Our “bedroom” was the balcony upstairs. The property was very secure behind a high wall so we felt quite safe.

The first night was filled with the neighbor’s music across the street until midnight, the dogs barking nonstop until 2 a.m. and then the roosters joining in around 4:30 a.m. Needless to say, sleeping on the floor combined with the abundance of sounds made for an interesting and very long night.

Around 5 a.m., a sweet young boy by the name of Benadu came to the balcony and just sat next to me and started talking in French. Although I haven’t spoken French in years, I was able to piece together that he was hungry. The only thing I could find in my backpack in the dark was a piece of gum, which I gladly shared with him. He broke into the biggest grin I’ve ever seen and went back inside.

I would find out later that he shared the good news with the rest of the kids because when they woke up, they all started asking for “chicklet,” meaning gum. Luckily my wife had filled my bag with packs of gum, so I decided to share one pack with them.

It was a huge mistake, innocent as it was. Each pack has 20 pieces and by the time I had dispersed them, many of the children were left empty-handed and were crying at the top of their lungs. It was a complete frenzy, with the oldest and fastest getting the prized possessions. I felt terrible for causing such a disruption to the older lady taking care of these kids, but I learned my lesson.

The next morning, I preemptively broke each piece of gum into three pieces on the balcony before I entered the room. This time all of the 60 children were able to get a piece. I have never seen such genuine joy over one third of one piece of gum! Most of them were still chewing it several hours later. This ritual took place on a daily basis and became one of the highlights of the trip.

Provided by Elia Gourgouris.

These children totally stole my heart! They are beautiful children, who amazingly are still filled with light in the midst of tragic circumstances. Whenever we ventured out and came back to the orphanage, they would surround us and would want to get picked up — imagine having 20 kids each who clamored to climb on me non-stop. Their need for physical affection and love was both heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. Needless to say we spent a lot of time holding them, and that was another of the highlights of this trip.

We also took pictures with all the kids individually who are up for adoption, with a sign that has their names and ages to show the families that have expressed an interest here in the United States. My biggest hope is that ALL of these beautiful children can find a loving home. If there’s anyone interested in adopting from this orphanage please let me know and I’ll pass the information along.

Bishop Mardy and his wife, Marjorie, are amazing people! Even though they had lost so much in the earthquake (mother, sister, brother and others) they were full of the Spirit! Unfortunately their youngest boy, who’s been kidnapped, has not been returned, although he survived the earthquake. I would like to ask that we all pray on their behalf for the safe return of their child.

Next week, I’ll share with you my impressions of Haiti and its people, their tremendous needs and also their brightness of hope.

Until then, God bless you and keep the faith!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

The past week has reminded me once again how fragile our life really is here on Earth.

Two of our best friends were driving to the airport Sunday night, when their car slid off the icy freeway and rolled down a 200-foot embankment. The husband flew out the window while his dear wife was stuck in the car. Miraculously they both survived, although he will be in a lot of pain for the next few days. I know that angels were watching over them.

Another friend has not been so fortunate. While vacationing with her husband in Cancun, she slipped and fell and hit her head on the ground. This wonderful wife and mother of four had emergency brain surgery and has been in a medically induced coma for the past 10 days. Although she was making progress, her condition has unfortunately taken a turn for the worse. She’s now in the deepest coma that can be induced. Our thoughts and prayers are with both of these dear families.

Of course we’ve all heard about Haiti, how in one horrific minute on January 12, around 200,000 men, women and children perished as a result of a massive earthquake. Hundreds of thousands of children have been orphaned and millions affected by this catastrophe. As you are reading this story, I’m on my way to Haiti to spend some time with 225 of those children who are being looked after by Guesno Mardy and his wife, Marjorie. He’s currently serving as a counselor to the Port-au-Prince mission president. This wonderful man, who’s been a branch president and a bishop twice is in the midst of his own trauma.

While all of the 225 orphans in his care survived the devastating earthquake, his own mother, sister and his wife’s brother perished in the rubble of the administrative building. His wife too was buried under the rubble, but after hours of digging was fortunately freed with minor injuries. To make matters worse, his youngest child, a beautiful 3-year-old boy, has been kidnapped for ransom and remains missing. It is believed that he survived the earthquake but as of yet, he has not been returned to his family. I cannot even begin to imagine the feelings he and his dear wife must be going through. How does one deal with all this grief?

Dr. Terry Lyles and I will be staying with the Mardys at the orphanage for four days and will offer whatever assistance we can. I hope we can alleviate some of the unimaginable stress and help them begin to deal with their enormous grief. I would ask for your prayers to be with them during this time of sore trial.

There is some positive news that has come out this past week as it relates to this journey: at least 12 families have expressed a sincere interest in adopting some of the children from Mardy’s orphanage. My heart delights at their willingness to provide a new life for these little ones who do not have a family on this earth. I know that God must be pleased when we take care of those how are so vulnerable.

I look forward to sharing with you my experiences at the orphanage. If you happen to be reading this Tuesday morning, I’m in Miami. If it’s Tuesday afternoon I’m in Santo Domingo. If it’s the evening, I should be in Port-au-Prince spending the first night with the Mardys and the 225 beautiful children.

Thank you for your good wishes, prayers and generosity. In the meantime, count your blessings, express your love to those around you and give them an extra hug! Remember how fragile our lives really are!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Sometimes even the best laid plans don’t always work out. Last week I’d mentioned that I would be writing from Miami (on my way to Haiti), but it hasn’t worked out that way.

A few days ago,the Haitian government closed the Port-au-Prince airport to all civilian flights (at least until Feb. 19). Because this trip has become so important to me, we needed to get somewhat creative, so Dr. Lyles and I are flying next week to the Dominican Republic and then driving to Haiti. I’m reminded of an old comedy movie called “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” with Steve Martin and John Candy.

I do know, however, that one way or another we’ll get there … even if it takes a little longer.

As with many unexpected events in our lives, this one week delay might actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Arbonne has now doubled the number of nutritional drinks they are donating, and the Air Force will be delivering them for us to Haiti! More importantly, the scope of the humanitarian mission has also changed from what I shared with you in last week’s article. When it became known that I would be going to Haiti, six very loving families expressed a sincere and heartfelt desire to adopt some of the orphans, and all of them have asked me to find an orphanage that they could work with.

I know God works in mysterious ways, because since then, I received information about an orphanage called Foyer de Sion that is run by an LDS bishop and his wife. A friend of mine was there last year with two of her kids, working side by side with Bishop Mardy. We have established communication, and they are eager for us to come with the drinks. We are equally as eager to assist the children and their caretakers to physically and emotionally deal with this disaster, and help in any way we can.

Connecting with this orphanage is a wish come true for me, because from the start, I’ve wanted to spend as much time with the children as possible. They are the most vulnerable and the most needy in any disasters or difficulties. If I can facilitate even one of those beautiful souls to find a loving home in the United States, this trip would be worth it a thousand times over … and if all six of these families can adopt one of these orphans, what a difference and a blessing that would be! And please, if there’s anyone else interested in adopting, let me know.

Sometimes I think it’s important for us to just make ourselves available and then get out of the way and let God do his work. All this time I thought this trip was about helping first responders and other relief workers, but in reality it’s about the children. I am forever grateful to all of those individuals and organizations who have contributed financially to make this trip a reality. I’m thankful to Arbonne for their tremendous generosity. I’m grateful for the U.S. Air Force and their willingness to support this mission. Finally, I’m grateful to my family, friends, and all those who have expressed so much support.

Thank you for your prayers and good wishes!

P.S. Next week’s article will be from Miami — I promise!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

As I sat watching the developments in the aftermath of the devastating earthquake in Haiti last week, I had a very strong prompting to do something more. After talking it over with my wife and family, I decided to contact a good friend and colleague, Dr. Terry Lyles. He and I had worked together for a couple of years at several bases for the U.S. Space Command, training people to deal more effectively with potential future disasters. Our main premise was that if they took care of themselves better physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, they would be better able to perform their duties and take care of those in real need.

Dr. Lyles is one of the leading experts on Traumatic Stress Response in the country. He was at Ground Zero the day after 9/11, spent an entire month in Thailand after the tsunami hit, helped in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and helped after many other disasters around the globe.

When I asked him if he was going to Haiti, his response was immediate and succinct: “Yes, and I could use your help!” I asked him how this disaster was different from others he had been involved in, and he replied,”The tsunami tragedy covered three continents and was spread over 1,500 miles. In Haiti we have similar numbers in terms of casualties (more than 200,000 deaths) but in a vastly more concentrated area…it’s really unprecedented. Basically we’re looking at an entire nation suffering from post-traumatic stress.”

He also added that one of his corporate clients, www.Arbonne.com, was donating thousands of nutritional drinks to the victims of Haiti. These chocolate and vanilla shakes contain 50 percent of the daily proteins and nutrients needed by an individual. The military will assist us in transporting these to Port-Au-Prince so we can distribute them to those in need. Additionally we’re planning on supporting the first-responders and other Red Cross workers. It’s quite normal for them, after working tirelessly for 18 to 20 hours a day for two weeks straight, to “hit the wall.” Although they are trained professionals, they are not machines. Most are wonderful people who sacrifice a lot but also feel deeply and are affected by everything they’ve witnessed.

We will also be visiting various refugee camps and orphanages. There were hundreds of thousands orphans in Haiti before this disaster hit — and tragically those numbers have doubled. My biggest priority will be to work with the children and help them begin the process of coming to terms with what has transpired. I’m hoping to be able to spend as much time as I can with them. I recognize this is only the start of a very long process. It will take years for Haiti to recover physically and for its people to recover emotionally.

Life is certainly interesting: After the Northridge, Calif., earthquake hit in January of 1994, which my wife and I lived through, I became certified through the American Red Cross in disaster relief. After we moved to Colorado and the Columbine tragedy took place, I spent a week working with the high school students who had witnessed the massacre at their school. Although I’m not sure either of these events have prepared me for Haiti, I look forward to going and doing whatever is asked. I have to admit that this has not been an easy decision to make. It took a week of prayers and discussions with my family. In the end it felt like the right thing to do. I am very grateful for those who have helped with this trip financially and emotionally. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

PS: Next week’s article will be written from Miami where I’ll be meeting up with Dr. Lyles on our way to Haiti. More to follow.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Last week we discussed the four different types of parenting: low standards/low love, low standards/high love, high standards/low love and finally high standards/high love.

When it comes to parenting, having high standards enforced with lots of love seems to yield the best results! This is by no means the easiest way to parent … that honor belongs to the low standards high love group.

Trying to raise children in today’s world can be a difficult task when oftentimes right is perceived as wrong, and wrong is highly encouraged as fun! Truth (with a capital T) has been replaced with a certain correctness which continues to undermine the very pillars of our society; therefore as we strive to raise the next generation, much work needs to be done. So today I’d like to share some specific ways we can foster an environment where standards are maintained with an abundance of love.

We are taught that we must live in the world but not be of the world. As our children try and make sense of an increasingly complicated, distracting and confusing world, we as parents must maintain an even-keel approach. Imagine our children going down a fast moving river. Sure it’s exciting for them, but it’s also filled with unexpected pitfalls. We must captain the boat with patience, while allowing them to get “wet.” Getting wet or even drenched might be the most valuable experience for them, and it might eventually keep them from drowning. It’s important for us not to panic at the first signs of trouble, because over correcting just might have the same disastrous results we seek to avoid.

Undoubtedly our children will make mistakes, just like we as parents often do. How we handle their own human imperfections is a critical factor to their future success and our own relationship with them.

Recently I was working with a young man who came to my office discouraged and disappointed in himself for something he had done. His first words to me were, “I made a big mistake.” My response to him was that it would actually be a mistake only if he learns nothing from it and continues to commit similar errors of judgment. We proceeded to push the “replay” button and followed his faulty thinking that had led to this behavior.

Then, rather than pointing out the obvious and lecturing him, (which as parents we often do) I pressed the “play” button. I asked him what would he do differently the next time he’s in a similar situation. By so doing so, it allowed him to take ownership of his experience and most importantly take ownership of his solution. It’s vital that our children are given an opportunity to solve their own problems. We can guide, support and encourage them in this endeavor; however, if we always offer the solution they will be ill-prepared to face the real world when they leave the nest.

As much as our children will challenge our standards from time to time, especially during the teenage years, our response needs to be “I love you, but the answer is still no.” The standards don’t come down … our children must step up. That’s real love, but it makes parenting harder at the time.

Easy parenting means we cave in to the pressure — often because we are tired, or because our children read us well, and do their best to make us feel guilty. When boundaries are lovingly but firmly established, clearly communicated and maintained, everyone comes out a winner. Years from know when they leave the safety of our homes and start families of their own, they will embrace much of what they once objected. As grandparents we will have joy in our posterity partly due to the love we showed by keeping our standards high while raising these magnificent children of ours!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Last summer while teaching at BYU-Idaho’s Education Week, I had an opportunity to attend a devotional by President Kim B. Clark. His comments on Zion and the Rising Generation have had a profound impact in my life and I’m sure in the lives of the others who attended.

In his talk, he described the relationship of two factors: love and standards, and their impact on families. The parameters were low/high love and low/high standards. Having worked with many families, I found this information fascinating. Let’s take a closer look at these four different types of families.

The first one consists of low love and low standards. What is the outcome for children being raised in such an environment? Typically neglect, drug and alcohol abuse, immorality and much more. Every year I have an opportunity to speak in front of and train foster parents. Recently when I presented the four types of families to them, ALL of them said that the kids brought into their homes come from such an environment.

The drop-out rate in high school for these kids is astounding. With lack of education and the opportunities it brings, many of these kids eventually turn to crime and other destructive behaviors. As a side note, I have rarely seen such an LDS family.

The second type of family is one where there’s lots of love but low standards. There are many kids who come from loving homes but whose parents allow them to do whatever they want. One might argue that this approach is not really all that loving.

I call this group “easy parenting.” You just love the kids but offer no discipline, boundaries, limits and standards by which the kids need to abide by. It’s so easy to be a parent! Basically the parents act like friends, because they want to be liked. But hey, the parents are “cool” since they’ll drink beer with their kids, smoke an occasional joint together and may even look at a Playboy magazine with their son. This is an actual response from someone I once worked with: “It’s no big deal, after all my dad did the same thing with me and look how I turned out!”

In the end, the kids end up being spoiled, entitled and ill-prepared to face the real world once they get out of high school. Not having worked for anything nor developed any sort of discipline, they get overwhelmed by the demands of real life. Now how loving is it for a parent to do that to their child?

The third type of a family maintains high standards but does so with low love. Sadly, within the bounds of LDS families, I have found that this category has been more common than the first two combined. The good news about these families is the fact that high standards are espoused and maintained. The children grow up knowing right from wrong and more often than not follow the rules.

The question is, for how long? When someone chooses the right out of fear, manipulation or intimidation, the long-term success is in jeopardy. I know so many adults who grew up in homes where they felt controlled and where unrighteous dominion was the way of life. As soon as they left the house or came home from serving a mission, they went off the deep end. As a reaction to their upbringing, they foolishly decided no one was going to tell them what to do anymore. Unfortunately, they chose to exhibit their newfound independence by practicing self-defeating and often self-destructive behaviors.

The last category is where we all hopefully strive to be as families: while showing great love to our kids, we still maintain high standards. Our children are expected to come to church with us every Sunday; attend all their meetings, seminary and Young Men/Young Women; listen to good music; participate in wholesome activities; obey the Word of Wisdom; be chaste until marriage; become Eagle Scouts; serve missions and so on.

It is quite a list for our children, but when it is lovingly supported and encouraged by us parents, the probability of success grows exponentially.

Even though this is the ideal way to raise a family, it is often elusive. Why? Because it takes a lot of hard work, patience, perseverance, setting and keeping boundaries, consequences and accountability.

Next week I will talk about how we can became such great families in greater detail. Until then, keep the faith and have a great week!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

In last week’s article, I asked which Christlike attribute we might like to emulate the most in 2010, and was pleased to receive many thoughtful responses from readers. I’d like to share some of them with you in hopes that they will inspire you as well — after all, choosing any of the Lord’s attributes to concentrate on would make our lives better.

The question is, which one is best for you to concentrate on at this stage of your life?

1) I thought about which attribute of the Savior I would like to emulate the most, that would have the greatest positive impact in my life and came to the conclusion of trusting in the Lord, and turning my will and life to him. This challenge will strengthen my testimony and increase my faith.”

2) To act on the promptings more frequently that I receive through the Holy Ghost. No more excuses like, waiting until it’s “more convenient”, not right now — that wasn’t really for me to do someone else will do that, or I really don’t know them and that would be too awkward. The list could go on and on. I feel a strong desire to listen and react better to the promptings this year. My life is busy with a full time job outside the home, 7 kids, Stake YW Pres. and just being Mom, wife, and the “mother and father” to my 5 younger siblings and their families because both my parents have now passed away at very young ages. I know the Lord will not give me more then I can handle so when I get the promptings through that still small voice I need to react and ignore the long list of excuses that creep into my mind just as fast as the prompting comes.”

3) I thought about what one goal I would like to work on this year and Charity came to mind. Like having more faith, having more charity will improve all aspects of life. It is interesting — the attributes of the Savior, if you think about it, they are all tied together in some way.”

4) My answer was to emulate Christ by being loving, kind and forgiving.

5) I’d like to devote more time being of service to my extended family, friends and even strangers.

6) In thinking about choosing one goal for 2010, I decided to try to focus on more Christlike love. More Christlike love of family, others and self. I too make a long list of goals for the year and oftentimes set myself up for failure, (pay off credit cards, lose weight, run a 4-hour marathon, etc). Thanks for your inspiring articles. Happy 2010!!!!”

7) Hi Elia! I just read your article. This year, the attribute of Christ that I would like to become a bigger part of my spirit is charity. I read this cool quote in my student planner while thinking of this today: Charity is not just a precept or a principle, nor is it just a word to describe actions or attitudes. Rather, it is an internal condition that must be developed and experienced in order to be understood. We are possessors of charity when it is a part of our nature. People who have charity have a love for the Savior, have received of his love, and love others as he does. - C. Max Caldwell

8) I think most of the weaknesses and problems in my life could become sanctifiers instead of destroyers if I looked at people and problems from the Lord’s perspective. I learned this Christmas that only the Lord knows the hearts of all those around us, especially our families. I misunderstand them more than anyone for some reason. So- Charity it is, so I can be a better daughter, sister, and friend.

Every start of a new year brings with it a renewed sense of optimism and hope. It’s part of our human nature to set a multitude of new goals as we aspire to have a better year.

Typically, we start strong and excited, only to lose our focus and energy within a few weeks or months. As disappointment sets in, we often abandon the remaining set of goals, but business as usual will not get us to our sought-after vision of success.

Perhaps concentrating on one overarching goal until it becomes second nature to us might be something worth trying for a change. Choosing and mastering one of the above-mentioned attributes will certainly bless our lives in 2010. It also helps to have an “accountability buddy” to keep on track throughout this journey. Make sure you find a trusted friend, advisor or coach who has your best interest in mind. Explain to them the role they can play in your life as it relates to your goal and make a commitment to follow through.

Finally, I wanted to express my appreciation to all of you for holding me accountable during this past year. Your honest, inspired, positive and uplifting feedback has meant the world to me. I will continue to write from the heart, speak the truth and stay connected.

Thank you for your continued support and may 2010 bring you much growth and love.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.