Ask Dr. Elia!

Sometimes even the best laid plans don’t always work out. Last week I’d mentioned that I would be writing from Miami (on my way to Haiti), but it hasn’t worked out that way.

A few days ago,the Haitian government closed the Port-au-Prince airport to all civilian flights (at least until Feb. 19). Because this trip has become so important to me, we needed to get somewhat creative, so Dr. Lyles and I are flying next week to the Dominican Republic and then driving to Haiti. I’m reminded of an old comedy movie called “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” with Steve Martin and John Candy.

I do know, however, that one way or another we’ll get there … even if it takes a little longer.

As with many unexpected events in our lives, this one week delay might actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Arbonne has now doubled the number of nutritional drinks they are donating, and the Air Force will be delivering them for us to Haiti! More importantly, the scope of the humanitarian mission has also changed from what I shared with you in last week’s article. When it became known that I would be going to Haiti, six very loving families expressed a sincere and heartfelt desire to adopt some of the orphans, and all of them have asked me to find an orphanage that they could work with.

I know God works in mysterious ways, because since then, I received information about an orphanage called Foyer de Sion that is run by an LDS bishop and his wife. A friend of mine was there last year with two of her kids, working side by side with Bishop Mardy. We have established communication, and they are eager for us to come with the drinks. We are equally as eager to assist the children and their caretakers to physically and emotionally deal with this disaster, and help in any way we can.

Connecting with this orphanage is a wish come true for me, because from the start, I’ve wanted to spend as much time with the children as possible. They are the most vulnerable and the most needy in any disasters or difficulties. If I can facilitate even one of those beautiful souls to find a loving home in the United States, this trip would be worth it a thousand times over … and if all six of these families can adopt one of these orphans, what a difference and a blessing that would be! And please, if there’s anyone else interested in adopting, let me know.

Sometimes I think it’s important for us to just make ourselves available and then get out of the way and let God do his work. All this time I thought this trip was about helping first responders and other relief workers, but in reality it’s about the children. I am forever grateful to all of those individuals and organizations who have contributed financially to make this trip a reality. I’m thankful to Arbonne for their tremendous generosity. I’m grateful for the U.S. Air Force and their willingness to support this mission. Finally, I’m grateful to my family, friends, and all those who have expressed so much support.

Thank you for your prayers and good wishes!

P.S. Next week’s article will be from Miami — I promise!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

As I sat watching the developments in the aftermath of the devastating earthquake in Haiti last week, I had a very strong prompting to do something more. After talking it over with my wife and family, I decided to contact a good friend and colleague, Dr. Terry Lyles. He and I had worked together for a couple of years at several bases for the U.S. Space Command, training people to deal more effectively with potential future disasters. Our main premise was that if they took care of themselves better physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, they would be better able to perform their duties and take care of those in real need.

Dr. Lyles is one of the leading experts on Traumatic Stress Response in the country. He was at Ground Zero the day after 9/11, spent an entire month in Thailand after the tsunami hit, helped in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and helped after many other disasters around the globe.

When I asked him if he was going to Haiti, his response was immediate and succinct: “Yes, and I could use your help!” I asked him how this disaster was different from others he had been involved in, and he replied,”The tsunami tragedy covered three continents and was spread over 1,500 miles. In Haiti we have similar numbers in terms of casualties (more than 200,000 deaths) but in a vastly more concentrated area…it’s really unprecedented. Basically we’re looking at an entire nation suffering from post-traumatic stress.”

He also added that one of his corporate clients, www.Arbonne.com, was donating thousands of nutritional drinks to the victims of Haiti. These chocolate and vanilla shakes contain 50 percent of the daily proteins and nutrients needed by an individual. The military will assist us in transporting these to Port-Au-Prince so we can distribute them to those in need. Additionally we’re planning on supporting the first-responders and other Red Cross workers. It’s quite normal for them, after working tirelessly for 18 to 20 hours a day for two weeks straight, to “hit the wall.” Although they are trained professionals, they are not machines. Most are wonderful people who sacrifice a lot but also feel deeply and are affected by everything they’ve witnessed.

We will also be visiting various refugee camps and orphanages. There were hundreds of thousands orphans in Haiti before this disaster hit — and tragically those numbers have doubled. My biggest priority will be to work with the children and help them begin the process of coming to terms with what has transpired. I’m hoping to be able to spend as much time as I can with them. I recognize this is only the start of a very long process. It will take years for Haiti to recover physically and for its people to recover emotionally.

Life is certainly interesting: After the Northridge, Calif., earthquake hit in January of 1994, which my wife and I lived through, I became certified through the American Red Cross in disaster relief. After we moved to Colorado and the Columbine tragedy took place, I spent a week working with the high school students who had witnessed the massacre at their school. Although I’m not sure either of these events have prepared me for Haiti, I look forward to going and doing whatever is asked. I have to admit that this has not been an easy decision to make. It took a week of prayers and discussions with my family. In the end it felt like the right thing to do. I am very grateful for those who have helped with this trip financially and emotionally. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

PS: Next week’s article will be written from Miami where I’ll be meeting up with Dr. Lyles on our way to Haiti. More to follow.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Last week we discussed the four different types of parenting: low standards/low love, low standards/high love, high standards/low love and finally high standards/high love.

When it comes to parenting, having high standards enforced with lots of love seems to yield the best results! This is by no means the easiest way to parent … that honor belongs to the low standards high love group.

Trying to raise children in today’s world can be a difficult task when oftentimes right is perceived as wrong, and wrong is highly encouraged as fun! Truth (with a capital T) has been replaced with a certain correctness which continues to undermine the very pillars of our society; therefore as we strive to raise the next generation, much work needs to be done. So today I’d like to share some specific ways we can foster an environment where standards are maintained with an abundance of love.

We are taught that we must live in the world but not be of the world. As our children try and make sense of an increasingly complicated, distracting and confusing world, we as parents must maintain an even-keel approach. Imagine our children going down a fast moving river. Sure it’s exciting for them, but it’s also filled with unexpected pitfalls. We must captain the boat with patience, while allowing them to get “wet.” Getting wet or even drenched might be the most valuable experience for them, and it might eventually keep them from drowning. It’s important for us not to panic at the first signs of trouble, because over correcting just might have the same disastrous results we seek to avoid.

Undoubtedly our children will make mistakes, just like we as parents often do. How we handle their own human imperfections is a critical factor to their future success and our own relationship with them.

Recently I was working with a young man who came to my office discouraged and disappointed in himself for something he had done. His first words to me were, “I made a big mistake.” My response to him was that it would actually be a mistake only if he learns nothing from it and continues to commit similar errors of judgment. We proceeded to push the “replay” button and followed his faulty thinking that had led to this behavior.

Then, rather than pointing out the obvious and lecturing him, (which as parents we often do) I pressed the “play” button. I asked him what would he do differently the next time he’s in a similar situation. By so doing so, it allowed him to take ownership of his experience and most importantly take ownership of his solution. It’s vital that our children are given an opportunity to solve their own problems. We can guide, support and encourage them in this endeavor; however, if we always offer the solution they will be ill-prepared to face the real world when they leave the nest.

As much as our children will challenge our standards from time to time, especially during the teenage years, our response needs to be “I love you, but the answer is still no.” The standards don’t come down … our children must step up. That’s real love, but it makes parenting harder at the time.

Easy parenting means we cave in to the pressure — often because we are tired, or because our children read us well, and do their best to make us feel guilty. When boundaries are lovingly but firmly established, clearly communicated and maintained, everyone comes out a winner. Years from know when they leave the safety of our homes and start families of their own, they will embrace much of what they once objected. As grandparents we will have joy in our posterity partly due to the love we showed by keeping our standards high while raising these magnificent children of ours!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Last summer while teaching at BYU-Idaho’s Education Week, I had an opportunity to attend a devotional by President Kim B. Clark. His comments on Zion and the Rising Generation have had a profound impact in my life and I’m sure in the lives of the others who attended.

In his talk, he described the relationship of two factors: love and standards, and their impact on families. The parameters were low/high love and low/high standards. Having worked with many families, I found this information fascinating. Let’s take a closer look at these four different types of families.

The first one consists of low love and low standards. What is the outcome for children being raised in such an environment? Typically neglect, drug and alcohol abuse, immorality and much more. Every year I have an opportunity to speak in front of and train foster parents. Recently when I presented the four types of families to them, ALL of them said that the kids brought into their homes come from such an environment.

The drop-out rate in high school for these kids is astounding. With lack of education and the opportunities it brings, many of these kids eventually turn to crime and other destructive behaviors. As a side note, I have rarely seen such an LDS family.

The second type of family is one where there’s lots of love but low standards. There are many kids who come from loving homes but whose parents allow them to do whatever they want. One might argue that this approach is not really all that loving.

I call this group “easy parenting.” You just love the kids but offer no discipline, boundaries, limits and standards by which the kids need to abide by. It’s so easy to be a parent! Basically the parents act like friends, because they want to be liked. But hey, the parents are “cool” since they’ll drink beer with their kids, smoke an occasional joint together and may even look at a Playboy magazine with their son. This is an actual response from someone I once worked with: “It’s no big deal, after all my dad did the same thing with me and look how I turned out!”

In the end, the kids end up being spoiled, entitled and ill-prepared to face the real world once they get out of high school. Not having worked for anything nor developed any sort of discipline, they get overwhelmed by the demands of real life. Now how loving is it for a parent to do that to their child?

The third type of a family maintains high standards but does so with low love. Sadly, within the bounds of LDS families, I have found that this category has been more common than the first two combined. The good news about these families is the fact that high standards are espoused and maintained. The children grow up knowing right from wrong and more often than not follow the rules.

The question is, for how long? When someone chooses the right out of fear, manipulation or intimidation, the long-term success is in jeopardy. I know so many adults who grew up in homes where they felt controlled and where unrighteous dominion was the way of life. As soon as they left the house or came home from serving a mission, they went off the deep end. As a reaction to their upbringing, they foolishly decided no one was going to tell them what to do anymore. Unfortunately, they chose to exhibit their newfound independence by practicing self-defeating and often self-destructive behaviors.

The last category is where we all hopefully strive to be as families: while showing great love to our kids, we still maintain high standards. Our children are expected to come to church with us every Sunday; attend all their meetings, seminary and Young Men/Young Women; listen to good music; participate in wholesome activities; obey the Word of Wisdom; be chaste until marriage; become Eagle Scouts; serve missions and so on.

It is quite a list for our children, but when it is lovingly supported and encouraged by us parents, the probability of success grows exponentially.

Even though this is the ideal way to raise a family, it is often elusive. Why? Because it takes a lot of hard work, patience, perseverance, setting and keeping boundaries, consequences and accountability.

Next week I will talk about how we can became such great families in greater detail. Until then, keep the faith and have a great week!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

In last week’s article, I asked which Christlike attribute we might like to emulate the most in 2010, and was pleased to receive many thoughtful responses from readers. I’d like to share some of them with you in hopes that they will inspire you as well — after all, choosing any of the Lord’s attributes to concentrate on would make our lives better.

The question is, which one is best for you to concentrate on at this stage of your life?

1) I thought about which attribute of the Savior I would like to emulate the most, that would have the greatest positive impact in my life and came to the conclusion of trusting in the Lord, and turning my will and life to him. This challenge will strengthen my testimony and increase my faith.”

2) To act on the promptings more frequently that I receive through the Holy Ghost. No more excuses like, waiting until it’s “more convenient”, not right now — that wasn’t really for me to do someone else will do that, or I really don’t know them and that would be too awkward. The list could go on and on. I feel a strong desire to listen and react better to the promptings this year. My life is busy with a full time job outside the home, 7 kids, Stake YW Pres. and just being Mom, wife, and the “mother and father” to my 5 younger siblings and their families because both my parents have now passed away at very young ages. I know the Lord will not give me more then I can handle so when I get the promptings through that still small voice I need to react and ignore the long list of excuses that creep into my mind just as fast as the prompting comes.”

3) I thought about what one goal I would like to work on this year and Charity came to mind. Like having more faith, having more charity will improve all aspects of life. It is interesting — the attributes of the Savior, if you think about it, they are all tied together in some way.”

4) My answer was to emulate Christ by being loving, kind and forgiving.

5) I’d like to devote more time being of service to my extended family, friends and even strangers.

6) In thinking about choosing one goal for 2010, I decided to try to focus on more Christlike love. More Christlike love of family, others and self. I too make a long list of goals for the year and oftentimes set myself up for failure, (pay off credit cards, lose weight, run a 4-hour marathon, etc). Thanks for your inspiring articles. Happy 2010!!!!”

7) Hi Elia! I just read your article. This year, the attribute of Christ that I would like to become a bigger part of my spirit is charity. I read this cool quote in my student planner while thinking of this today: Charity is not just a precept or a principle, nor is it just a word to describe actions or attitudes. Rather, it is an internal condition that must be developed and experienced in order to be understood. We are possessors of charity when it is a part of our nature. People who have charity have a love for the Savior, have received of his love, and love others as he does. - C. Max Caldwell

8) I think most of the weaknesses and problems in my life could become sanctifiers instead of destroyers if I looked at people and problems from the Lord’s perspective. I learned this Christmas that only the Lord knows the hearts of all those around us, especially our families. I misunderstand them more than anyone for some reason. So- Charity it is, so I can be a better daughter, sister, and friend.

Every start of a new year brings with it a renewed sense of optimism and hope. It’s part of our human nature to set a multitude of new goals as we aspire to have a better year.

Typically, we start strong and excited, only to lose our focus and energy within a few weeks or months. As disappointment sets in, we often abandon the remaining set of goals, but business as usual will not get us to our sought-after vision of success.

Perhaps concentrating on one overarching goal until it becomes second nature to us might be something worth trying for a change. Choosing and mastering one of the above-mentioned attributes will certainly bless our lives in 2010. It also helps to have an “accountability buddy” to keep on track throughout this journey. Make sure you find a trusted friend, advisor or coach who has your best interest in mind. Explain to them the role they can play in your life as it relates to your goal and make a commitment to follow through.

Finally, I wanted to express my appreciation to all of you for holding me accountable during this past year. Your honest, inspired, positive and uplifting feedback has meant the world to me. I will continue to write from the heart, speak the truth and stay connected.

Thank you for your continued support and may 2010 bring you much growth and love.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

The coming of a new year usually brings with it a sense of renewed optimism.

Regardless of how tough this past year has been for millions of us, there is something about starting over that most of us embrace with hope. Making goals for the New Year is a long-held tradition, but the lists of goals can seem endless: financial, marriage, family, career, health, exercise, spiritual and so on. Sometimes just coming up with all these goals can seem overwhelming in and of itself.

In pondering about what I’d like to accomplish the most in the coming year, I had an interesting thought come to me in the form of a question: Which one attribute of the Savior would I like to emulate the most, that would have the greatest positive impact in my life?

Although the question posed was interesting, the most surprising aspect of it was how quickly the answer came. It took only a couple of seconds before I had a very clear picture of what I needed to concentrate on. It’s almost like there was a part of me deep down inside just waiting to be asked that very question.

If I can practice more faith on a daily basis, 2010 will have a lot more hope and inner peace — making faith my number one priority will definitely have the greatest impact in my life. I don’t know if I have ever had an entire year where I chose faith over fear on a daily basis, regardless of the circumstances around me.

Out of excitement and some curiosity, I started asking my family and friends (even families my son and I home taught this month) the same question. What has been astonishing is how quickly everyone came up with a unique answer.

Equally impressive was that so far no one chose the same attribute to work on. Realizing there’s such a plethora of attributes to choose from, here’s a sample of their answers: Be more loving, less judgmental, more patient, more forgiving, having the courage to stand up for what’s right, less critical and being more thoughtful of others’ feelings.

Some of their answers were surprising because from the outside, you’d never guess this was an area someone would be struggling with. I have appreciated their honest and “from the heart responses.” As time has gone by I’ve realized the truthfulness of their answers.

So if you had to ask yourself that same question, what would your answer be? Which one of the Lord’s attributes would you like to emulate? By choosing to work on just one such attribute, we each have the potential to become a little more like him.

Ultimately, isn’t that one of our “big picture” goals: to become more Christ-like? And even better, by knowing each others’ goals we can also be held more accountable by those around us whom we trust. I would love to hear your answers.

May you have a happy, healthy and spirit-filled New Year.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

This is my favorite time of the year, even if it’s really cold outside (for those of you in winter states). The entire month of December seems to be filled with family traditions that are repeated year after year but inexplicably never seem to get old.

Last night we watched “A Christmas Carol” for the umpteenth time. It always shows the same story with the same ending, and yet we sit and enthusiastically watch it together again and again as a family. If we ever dare to try and “skip” one of our traditions, the kids revolt (no matter how old they get), and we give in.

I think the reason that we love traditions as much as we do is because we live in such an unstable world. There is something very comforting about knowing what to expect year after year. Often, traditions get passed down to the next generation.

For the first time this year, Dad (that would be me) did not put up the Christmas lights. Our oldest son, Niko, took it entirely upon himself to fulfill that mission, and lo and behold, he did a much better job that I’ve ever done! Given a certain fear of high places, the extent of my putting up the outside lights has usually been limited to a few uneven strands above the garage. He exceeded all expectations by going on the roof — some 50 feet off the ground — and essentially giving his mom and I a mild heart attack! It’s great to know that his family will have a dad who goes all out. There’s a time in all parents’ lives when their kids outperform them. That it happened so soon has been a humbling experience. He knows more than I do, but wonderfully, isn’t it the hope of most parents to see their kids become a better version than themselves, spiritually, emotionally and physically? We couldn’t be more proud.

Another tradition we have is to attend a church of another Christian faith on Christmas Eve. We love listening to the Christmas Carols and the bells used to create such wonderful sounds. More than anything, we treasure the fellowship and commonality that we all share as we celebrate the birth of our Savior. After we get home, we all gather around the fireplace and read Christmas stories from the Ensign and New Era, as well as chapter two from Book of Luke. Last year, we enjoyed acting out our own Nativity, and of course we choose our personal gift to give to the Savior for the coming year.

Then Dad reads “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas,” and we all have a slumber party in the living room trying to see who’ll stay awake the longest and finally catch dear ol’ Santa as he gently place his gifts under the Christmas tree. So far, we’ve had no luck; somewhere around 3 in the morning, deep and peaceful sleep seems to take over.

Some traditions will get passed on to the next generation, and with each new family created, there will be some new traditions added. One thing will remain the same — the joy each Christmas brings to our hearts. Somehow it reminds us that we’re all children on some level. There are certain words that come to mind when we think of this time of the year: peace, love, joy, and most of all, hope. It is the hope that comes from knowing that Jesus was born, lived and died for us in order to have an opportunity to live with Him and God one day!

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones!

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Tiger Woods is the world’s most successful athlete, at least when it comes to income.

During his illustrious career he has become the first athlete in history to earn more than $1 billion (that’s correct: “billion”) from sponsorships and winning tournaments. Ever since he appeared on the Johnny Carson show at the age of 4 with a little golf club in his hands, he has seemed destined for greatness.

It’s rare to see a child prodigy in any field, whether in sports, music, art, science or entertainment, live up to his or her destiny as an adult. It’s even more seldom to have someone supersede those expectations.

Tiger Woods has done just that. He has won 14 major golf tournaments, leaving him just four short of the legendary Jack Nicklaus’ career record of 18 majors won. He’s only 33, and up until recently, it seemed like it was only a matter of time before he broke that hallowed record and became the greatest golfer in history.

He has played through pain and injury in a heroic way and still was able to win. His discipline, hard work and passion for the game are legendary.

On the home front, he’s been married to a supermodel and has two adorable children. He had kept a clean-cut image, earning endorsements unlike any other celebrity in history.

Was it all too good to be true?

Apparently yes, as recent revelations of alleged multiple affairs from a variety of women have inundated the airwaves and the Internet. After initially calling them “transgressions,” Tiger has come out and apologized for his infidelity. He has asked for forgiveness and has decided to take a break from golf, to try and save his marriage and family. It’s good to see that he has realized the true priorities in his life.

If it’s not too late. Only time will tell.

Some of his sponsors are already jumping ship, like Accenture, a leading management consulting firm. This company built its image around Woods with slogans such as “Go on. Be a Tiger” and “We know what it takes to be a Tiger.”

Accenture’s statement for its action says it all: “The company has determined that he is no longer the right representative for its advertising.”

Ouch! The damage he has caused himself is not only financial — he may end up losing his family, even his legacy.

So the big question is, why would someone who seemingly had everything in this world — fame, fortune, unprecedented talent, a beautiful family — risk it all for a few (or a lot of) moments of fleeting pleasure? What would compel him to throw it all away?

Over the last 20 years, I have worked with people from all walks of life, some highly successful both from a professional perspective as well as a personal one — meaning they had wonderful families and a great life. Obviously not as famous as Tiger but with much to lose. Similar behaviors have eventually led to similar painful revelations.

Just as it was true in their case, I am convinced that the only explanation for Tiger’s behaviors is that he has a sexual addiction. I’m not excusing his behavior, but I am suggesting that this goes a lot deeper than he made a one-night-stand-kind-of mistake.

The pattern of recklessness is truly astounding!

The solution rests with his willingness to address his problems head-on with humility, diligence and the same work ethic that made him so successful on the golf course.

A good start would be to embrace the first two steps of the 12-step recovery program: Admit that he’s powerless over lust and that his life has become unmanageable; and that a power greater than himself can restore him to sanity.

His recovery has to be based not only on changing his behaviors, but his heart and mind as well. He will need a strong support system and people who, because they love him, will tell him the truth and hold him accountable. Sometimes that seems to be the Achilles heel of the rich and famous: lack of accountability.

Having lost the respect of millions of his fans already and most likely his family, I hope this time away from the spotlight is well-spent in getting his life back on track. In the end, most people can be really forgiving if they see a sincere and genuine change of heart.

I hope Tiger can do it for his family, fans and — most of all — for himself.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.

Dr. Elia Gourgouris is a nationally known speaker, relationship coach, and the president of LDSCoaching.com. With over 20 years of experience, he has inspired thousands of individuals and couples to find greater happiness and fulfillment, both in their careers and their personal lives. He holds a degree from UCLA and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Gourgouris speaks to groups around the country regarding women’s issues, self esteem, communications skills, and relationships. He is also a favorite presenter at both BYU and BYU-ID Education Weeks, and Time Out for Women conferences. He is the author of “DTR: What You Need to Know Before You Get Married” and he has an upcoming CD entitled “The Multi-Platinum Marriage: Going from Just Surviving to Thriving!” He and his wife, Sona, live near Boulder, Colorado, with their children.